Tatis Jr. suffers “Jacob’s joint” injury as punishment for his anointing as Padres’ savior

Yesterday, God Almighty called a press conference to announce that he was responsible for the shoulder injury suffered by Padres superstar Fernando Tatis, Jr., who tore his labrum at the end of a mighty swing during a game against the San Francisco Giants. “Look,” said God, “I normally don’t like to get involved with professional sports. Too many conflicting prayers, you know? But here you’ve got a team named after a group of Catholic priests. My Son founded that church; what kind of Dad would I be if I didn’t keep tabs? So they muddle along, stumbling and falling just like their namesake, and then bang, here comes Tatis. Suddenly, people are talking about a pennant, even a Series. Not because the Padres have repented and returned to me, no. Because of him. So looked back through my Book of Smiting, and came across the time when I sent my angel in the form of a man to wrestle with Jacob, way back in Genesis. ‘When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hop socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint.’ Perfect. What’s the old line from the Psalms? Ah yes: ‘Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help. His shoulder giveth way, he falleth to the earth.’ Something like that. Anyway, I’m thinking this should do the trick. [Padres General Manager AJ] Preller’s already been on his knees for a good portion of every day, begging me to just fix this. And small wonder: $340 million is a lot of money.”