Newly reopened restaurants prepare to enforce social distancing with surplus sex dolls.

Matt McMullen had a problem. The founder of San Marcos-based luxury sex doll company RealDoll had, as he puts it, “a factory full of way too many bodies in close proximity. I mean, literally stacked up on each other. That kind of crowding is bad for any company’s bottom line these days, but especially mine. I needed to create some space, move some merchandise. What happened was, I knew the lockdown would increase Joe Pubic’s private me-time. And ordinarily, whenever you have an explosion in masturbation, I have an explosion in sales. And ever since I passed 40, I’ve realized how nice it can be to cuddle a bit in the afterglow. I figured I’d be moving product like never before. But what I didn’t count on was 30% unemployment in San Diego County alone. You get that kind of economic buzzkill, you’re likely to turn to less expensive methods for sexual gratification. But as they say, every crisis is an opportunity. I read how some restaurants were placing giant stuffed animals or even mannequins in seats to create the appealing illusion of fullness while still keeping things safe. And my girls are a hell of a lot better looking than stuffed animals and mannequins. So until things get back to, um, normal in the sex doll industry, I’m renting them out to select establishments. And because some of them have AI features, they can even make conversation with solo diners who are eager to get out of the house, but still feel skittish about dating. Who knows — if the evening goes well, you can even take her home! For six grand or so.”