Padres manager Andy Green reassures fans

“Look,” said San Diego Padres Manager Andy “Gang” Green, addressing fans who gathered outside his home in the wee hours of July 18 to hold what may have been a torchlight vigil of some kind, “I know we’re 16.5 games out of first place. And I know that it’s disappointing to hear that Manny Machado has decided to take some time away from baseball to focus on his real passion: yelling at sports commentators on Instagram. But look on the bright side: we may be in last place, but we’re only three games behind the number two team in our division. Heck, we’re only six games behind the number one team in the NL Central! If we can get a few breaks, get some people off the disabled list, and play our best baseball, then I can promise you we’ll still be around come the postseason. We won’t be in the playoffs, but we’ll be around.”