Clawstrophobia

“We’ve learned our lesson, yes we have,” says San Onofre Nuclear Powderkeg spokesman Ray D’Ashun. “It’s true that we probably shouldn’t have bought those crummy steam generators from Mitsubishi, the ones whose failure resulted in the conversion of San Onofre from nuclear power plant to nuclear waste dump. And it’s true that we probably should have paid a little extra and gotten some decent containment canisters from someone other than site management company Holtec. But they gave us such a deal, and we were already working with them on the storage facility — accounting said it was just so much easier that way. But this time, we’re committed to doing things right, especially in light of that nasty Nuclear Regulatory Commission report on our shoddy transfer system, the one that resulted in a canister sitting on a little metal ledge 18 feet above the ground for 45 minutes. That’s why we’ve contracted with American Arcade Entertainment, Inc., a company with over 50 years of experience in claw-type mechanics, to construct a 100% effective grab-and-drop mechanism that will produce, to use their words, ‘a winner every time.’ Trust us, AAE knows how to handle tricky material. Just like us!”