The Boss Baby’s Holiday (Bowl)

‘The Baby Trump balloon was already in San Diego, thanks to the whole migrant mess,” explains Holiday Bowl Parade designer Bill Blowhard. “So we thought we might as well make use of it in the nation’s largest balloon parade. And then we started thinking about how many of the President’s problems could be represented in balloon form, and we thought we could have some topical fun.”

“Nipping close at the President’s inflatable heels is a golden Chinese dragon, representative of the economic damage being done in America by his trade war with that country. The worst December for the stock market since the Great Depression, declining factory activity, Apple missing sales predictions — rough stuff. In fact, things are so bad that some folks are saying that Wall Street has entered a bear market for the first time in recent memory. Hence the giant bear following close behind the dragon. Of course, the bear could also represent Russia, whose election meddling is well documented, and whose connections to Trump seem stronger every day, thanks to the Mueller investigation.

“Behind the bear is the Democratic donkey, symbolic of a Democrat-controlled House of Representatives that has making trouble for Trump as its number one priority. Newly sworn-in Michigan Representative Rashida Tlaib promised, ‘We’re going to impeach the motherfucker,’ and Speaker Nancy Pelosi just shrugged.

“And of course, lurking in the background, there are the ballooning bosoms representing the fake breasts of porn star Stormy Daniels and Playboy model Karen McDougal, both of whom received hush payments in order to keep their affairs with Trump secret during his campaign for President — hush payments which evidence suggests Trump knew about, and the mechanics of which may have violated campaign finance laws. It was bad enough for Trump on this front when his former personal attorney Michael Cohen flipped on him in late November, but when his old friend and National Enquirer head honcho David Pecker corroborated the story, the President must have felt like someone grabbed him in the proverbial kitty. It was such a big deal that we considered adding a Pecker balloon to the parade, but someone at Standards and Practices intervened for some reason.”