Trump promises solution to “Green Tide”

Donald Trump took a break from his campaign today to address an issue close to his heart: immigration. Specifically, the immigration of Mexican parrot populations to San Diego and other California cities. Speaking before a section of the wall separating California and Mexico, he gestured toward a flock of parrots flying overhead and declared, “These greenbacks come in here without permission, without going through the proper legal channels. They displace other avian populations, some of whom have been around for generations. They make a lot of noise and get a lot of attention but, mostly, they make it harder to live and work here in the United States. And yet, for some reason, a bunch of soft-hearted, soft-headed nitwits have decided that these invaders should have special legal protection. As if we should somehow feel grateful that these birds have decided to take up residence in our fair land. As if we should smile when they irritate us with their horrid chatter at all hours. Oh, they’re endangered? Well, that’s because their native country is a lousy place to live. But that’s no reason to let them come nest in our trees and hang out on our power lines.

“Now, I understand that some Americans are taking the law into their own hands and shooting these birds. I can’t approve of that, not if I want to be president. But I can sympathize, and that’s why I’m offering the first real solution to this problem: the Squawkbox 9000 parrot guidance drone. The drone will emit a series of squawks normally croaked out by a flock’s leader. When the birds fall in line, the Squawkbox will simply guide them back where they belong: deep in the heart of their native land. And that’s the kind of practical, practicable solution you can expect from me when it comes to issues of this kind."