Visiting professor complains about San Diego State mascot’s pregame ritual sacrifices

"That’s racist murderous.”

Author

By Walter Mencken

Publish Date

June 12, 2016

Tradition vs. progress? Sponge has suggested that time-honored events like the Homecoming Halftime Slaughter, when the great pyramid of Qualcomm runs red with the blood of fans lucky enough to be chosen for the sacrifice, run counter to modern notions of morality and justice, and “should maybe be re-examined in the light of broader cultural standards than those normally applied to collegiate athletics.” But critics were skeptical. “What’s next?” asked longtime Aztec fan Bud Light, “the revoking of the traditional right of Division I athletes to enjoy congress with whatever coeds they desire? Last time I checked, this was America and this was football. Philosophical questions like Sponge's have no place in a collegiate atmosphere, at least not outside the classroom."

San Diego State mascot “Monty” Montezuma bears aloft the freshly harvested heart of Cowboy Joe [in background, bleeding and dead], mascot for the Aztecs' Mountain West Conference rival the University of Wyoming. In keeping with the ancient Aztec tradition of “feeding the gods” with sacrificed flesh, the heart is flash-fried and then fed to members of the men’s basketball team immediately prior to tip-off. “The sun god Tezcatlipoca needed nourishment to raise the sun each morning, and [San Diego State center Valentine] Izundu needs nourishment to jump up and touch the orange orb lofted toward heaven by the referee,” explains team trainer Verne Beefcheeks. “And just as the Aztecs would sometimes go to war precisely to obtain victims for sacrifice, so our boys go up against rivals like the Cowboys to ensure the health and prosperity of our entire athletic program. It all makes sense.”

Everybody loves it when Monty the Montezuma plunges his blade into the chest of an opposing team’s mascot and extracts the sometimes-still-beating heart.