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SeaWorld releases images of planned interactive exhibit as it prepares to phase out orca shows
Under the sea!
In a move that seemed to contradict the tenets of both business and common sense, SeaWorld Entertainment recently promoted San Diego SeaWorld President John Reilly to oversee all of the company’s theme parks. “John has taken SeaWorld San Diego straight into the toilet during his six-year tenure as President,” said SeaWorld Entertainment CEO Joel Manby. “Attendance is down drastically, the response to [the critical documentary] Blackfish was pathetic, he’s feuding with the Coastal Commission just when we need them to approve our plans for a themed resort, and now he’s easing out the single most iconic theme park mascot after Mickey Mouse. That’s right, we’re getting rid of orca shows. See ya, Shamu! So, of course we’re moving him up the corporate ladder. We can’t wait to see what he’ll do next!”
Happily, Manby won’t have to wait long. SeaWorld San Diego recently announced Reilly’s parting gift: an immersive attraction called Ocean Explorer. "The opportunity to see and learn about some of the ocean's most fascinating creatures, coupled with a mix of distinctive rides and activities, will give our visitors a meaningful experience only SeaWorld can create," he said.
Just what he meant by that was not initially clear, but the park did provide several artist renderings of the planned attraction. Acting on a worrisome hunch, SD on the QT presented those renderings to UCSD Professor of Lovecraftian Lore Jeremiah Clam, an expert in the disturbing stories of American horror writer H.P. Lovecraft. What follows is Clam’s assessment of Reilly’s inhuman intentions.
[Note: all photos are presented exactly as SeaWorld released them.]
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"As Billy and Mom look on in bewildered horror, little Susie begins to scream the chant of summoning: 'ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn,’ which Lovecraft translates as, ‘In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu lies dreaming.’ And by the looks of things, the chant is working! Cthulhu is most often described as a creature of monstrous size with a head similar to an octopus, tentacles surrounding his dread and unsane mouth. The mere sight of him is enough to drag most mortals from the fragile refuge of reason. And there he is, peeking through the porthole!" -
"In fact, it looks like Timmy and Jane have already succumbed. The entranced boy is stepping out from the pathetic shelter of the sub, eager for the soggy miasma of eternal darkness. Jane is so transported with crazed ecstasy that she doesn’t notice the violent removal of her fingers. Freed from the tether of perceived reality, she grins at the tentacle’s gelatinous, sucking approach." -
"This one is almost too awful for words. The smiling tot is granted a moment of respite inside an oxygen-filled bubble. Overcome with relief after her near-drowning in the sub, she does not even flinch at the approaching, devouring evil before her. Like all of us, she believes in the protective power of her bubble: be it the dream of love, the hope of religion, or even the seemingly unbreakable laws of time and space. But here’s the thing about bubbles: they burst. Always. And what lies outside is always the same, always waiting to enfold us in an unspeakable embrace from which there is no escape." -
"Here, a mother places her son onto the conveyer belt so that he may be carried through the Tunnel of Sacrifice, better known as Dagon’s Portal. Already, the unholy fish-god is sending his clawed and sprawling minions to collect the offering. Happily, the nightmare Mom is about to witness is usually more than her mammalian, maternal mind can comprehend, involving as it does the death and hideous rebirth of her own offspring as a cold-blooded Deep-Spawn. Her sanity cracked and wrapped in a comforting blanket of deranged delusion, she will recall her entire experience of motherhood as nothing more than a melancholy dream." -
"Howling and gibbering, two lucky youngsters raise their arms in worship of the primitive and primal malevolence that drifts endlessly in the ocean's watery depths. Brainless but deadly, without appetite but ever feeding, constantly moved by forces beyond their control, jellyfish are perhaps the most familiar expression of the horror that lurks just below the surface of things. Hail, chaos! Hail, nameless hunger! Hail, the insensate beast that inflicts agony on those cursed with the gift of feeling!
"All in all, an immensely exciting preview of things to come. I guess we all knew SeaWorld was evil, what with its tendency to abuse orcas and subject its employees to life-threatening situations in the name of entertainment. Plus, have you seen what they charge for parking and snacks? But this makes it clear that Shamu was only the beginning. Shamu. Shamu. Shamu-nyth Cthulhu hupadgh ebumna, nog lw’nafh n'gha…"