Republican rabble-rouser ruins Romney’s return

Titanic Trump trounces La Jolla lightweight in first-ever use of party’s pugilistic political process

Author

By Walter Mencken

Publish Date

April 1, 2016

“I am the greatest!”

Republican National Committee Chairman Buford Lunk grimaces in apparent pain as he raises the gold-lamé glove of a victorious Donald Trump while simultaneously pushing pleading challenger (and former champ) Mitt Romney out of the ring. Romney would later complain that Trump did not actually throw any punches during the bout, but merely strutted the ring and pounded his chest for the wildly enthusiastic crowd.

“It’s simply inconceivable that I could ever lose to man who is so full of himself that he looks ready to burst his seams,” protested the former boxer, governor, and presidential candidate. “Just look at that bloat! And so soft where it counts — on the issues!”

The judges’ decision, however, was unanimous. A jiggling, swaggering Trump, meanwhile, responded that he was impressed at how much fight he found in Romney, “especially considering how little of it the American people saw back in 2008.”

MOURNING FOR THE FUTURE OF HIS PARTY AND HIS COUNTRY, 30 FEET BELOW GROUND — “Looking back,” says Mitt Romney from within the security of the concrete bunker underneath his palatial La Jolla home, “it’s easy to see my decision to get back in the ring against Donald Trump as a mistake. I’ve been away from both politics and boxing for a while now, and my jab isn’t what it used to be. But somebody had to do something, and I thought maybe I had a better shot than most."

Romney in his luxury bunker, shadowboxing with his sadness and regret. “I feel bad for the 99% of Americans who can’t afford a bomb shelter like this one. I don’t know where they’ll go when Trump goes nuclear on the world’s Muslim population."

Romney winces and rubs his jaw, which is still swollen and bruised. “Obviously, the speech I gave before Super Tuesday wasn’t enough. I warned the American people that founding father John Adams wrote that 'there never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide,’ and that we’d only lasted this long because great men rose up to defend something greater than themselves. And Donald Trump does not believe that something greater than himself even exists. I warned them that Trump was a self-involved, delusional man-child who would take America into the toilet and probably goad some foreign power into lobbing a grenade in after us. And the American people shrugged and voted for him. Clearly, they weren’t interested in listening to reason, because hey, who doesn’t like to see a toilet explode? It’s a good show. So I thought I’d hit ‘em where they live — by hitting Donald Trump in the ring, in front of a national audience.