Chargers reach deal with city; fans rejoice

KISSING THE ASPHALT OF THE QUALCOMM PARKING LOT, MISSION VALLEY — In a welcome surprise development, Chargers counsel Mark Fabiani today announced that the team had finally reached a deal with the City of San Diego concerning the team's future.

"After years of research, planning, and collaboration," said Fabiani, "we are pleased to report that the Chargers will in fact be moving to Carson. However, the City has agreed that, even after the eventual demolition of [current Charger home] Qualcomm Stadium, the facility's parking lot will remain open for tailgating through at least 2050. Also, as a token of appreciation for everyone who has cheered for their San Diego Chargers, we're leaving you guys the Charger Girls to help keep you cheering. We are confident that this deal will prove satisfactory both to team management, which desperately needs to make some money, and Charger fans throughout the San Diego region, who desperately need somewhere to commune on Sunday now that God is dead.

"In the end," explains Fabiani. "it was just a matter of paying attention to San Diego's most ardent Chargers fans: the men, women, and occasionally children who routinely crowd the Qualcomm parking lot on game day to host epic tailgates. They arrive as early as six o'clock in the morning — some in RVs, some in specially equipped buses, but many in ordinary trucks and cars — and set up what amounts to a supersized, high-tech, pop-up vacation campground. Shade canopies cover living spaces outfitted with comfortable seating, temperature control, and frequently, top-quality audio-visual equipment. Many setups include satellite television, so fans can watch football all day long. Vast quantities of excellent food are prepared and served: tacos, burgers, steaks, you name it. An unspoken, friendly competition seems to take place every Sunday to see who can grill and lay out the most extraordinary spread. Heroic quantities of alcohol are drunk: kegs, cocktails, wine… and unless some loudmouth wanders through wearing the wrong jersey, the drinking serves to heighten fellow-feeling and celebration. Extended families gather. Strangers make friends with their neighbors. Everyone has a wonderful time, regardless of whether or not the Chargers win. Heck, many tailgaters don't even enter the stadium. And that's when it hit us: the game doesn't matter to these people. The party does. As long as they've got their tailgate, they don't care if the Chargers play in Mission Valley, or Carson, or Timbuktu.

"Everybody wins," concluded Fabiani. "The City can collect revenue by selling reservations for parking spaces. The Chargers can collect revenue by selling luxury boxes in its new stadium. And the fans get what they really want, whether they know it or not. It's such a relief to be done with this; throwing in the Girls seemed like the least we could do."