Local high school responds to measles outbreak

Citing a desire to "respect families' personal health-related decisions while still maintaining a safe atmosphere for our student body," San Diego's Academy of Our Lady of Peace high school announced today that it has instituted a new dress code policy designed to prevent the spread of infectious diseases by the unvaccinated.

"When parents send their children to a first-rate private school like OLP," explained Headmistress Greta Germscourge, "they expect us to care for them, mind and body. That means, among other things, keeping them safe from harm, whether through random strip-searches for concealed weapons, carefully regulated carbohydrate consumption at lunch, or maintaining a hygienic environment. Of late, it has come to the administration's attention that an increasing number of well-educated, affluent parents are making the choice to leave their children unvaccinated. That is, for the moment, their choice to make. But when those parents decide to send those unvaccinated children into a close community like OLP — well, in that case, we have our own choices to make. Since the girls already wear school-mandated uniforms, we thought that was the best place to start."

"Really," continued Germscourge, "it's not like the old days, when lepers had go to about ringing a big brass bell and crying 'Unclean! Unclean!' so that people would know to avoid them. Our unvaccinated girls simply wear a tasteful black choker outfitted with a tiny silver bell. It doesn't ring so much as it tinkles. Yes, their school uniforms are decorated with a bright red 'U,' but it stands for 'Unvaxxed,' not 'Unclean.' And we don't make them go around announcing it out loud. That's what social media is for. You'd be amazed at how fast information can travel on the information superhighway. We send out a Tweet, and within seconds, everybody knows what they need to know. So you see, it's all very humane."

Asked about the possibility of bullying, Germscourge was nonplused. "Here at OLP, we recognize that some people will choose different paths in life than their peers. But we also know that attitudes are contagious, the way, say, measles are contagious. If the girls who wear the scarlet letter U don't care for the social consequences, then perhaps they ought to rethink their life choices. Or at least talk to their parents about getting vaccinated."