Jimmy Hat? No, Jiminy Hat!

Earlier this month, San Diego County Department of Health and Human Services reported that, for the third straight year, sexually transmitted disease rates had seen double-digit increases. "Gonorrhea is up 16%,” says Department spokesperson Peter Unrapt, "while syphilis is up 18%. And the sharpest increases occurred among young people, members of the so-called Millennial generation. We were mystified and upset. It’s never been easier for our youth to get condoms, thanks to our Prudence for Students project, which distributed free condoms to every San Diego high school student — in their school colors!”

As they investigated the distressing phenomenon, health officials began to notice the tag #TrustJC in the Tinder profiles of Millennials. “At first, we were confused, because we thought it might mean ‘Trust Jesus Christ.’ A generation ago, that might have made sense. Young people have historically been comfortable relying on some kind of divinity to protect them from disaster while they go ahead and do whatever they want. But Millennials are perhaps the least religious generation in American history, so it just didn’t track. But we caught a break. One of our researchers was perusing the Instagram profile of an SDSU sorority sister for some reason, and found an image of the Jiminy Cricket character from the Disney film Pinocchio. The accompanying text was a rewriting of a verse from Mr. Cricket’s song, “When You Wish Upon a Star.” The line, 'When your heart is in your dream/ No request is too extreme' had been rewritten as 'No matter what the pamphlets say/ If you pull out, you’ll be okay.' The image was tagged, you guessed it, #TrustJC.”

Despite the breakthrough, some mystery remained. “Jiminy Cricket, of course, serves as the voice of conscience for the character of Pinocchio. But conscience makes judgements about right and wrong, based at least in part on possible consequences. How could he wind up a mascot for risky sexual behavior? We kept searching, and got a partial answer from this TwitPic caption from user PlayerOne11: 'Jiminy says that I should always let my conscience be my guide. And my conscience tells me that if I don’t raw dog this fine ho, I’m gonna regret it for the rest of my life.’”

Thanks to that Tweet, Unrapt realized the Department had to approach the character from the perspective of those he was studying. “Millennials — despite terrorism, despite climate change, despite a disastrous job market — are markedly more optimistic than earlier generations. For whatever reason, they believe that if they believe, things will work out fine. I realized they loved Jiminy because he told them that when they wish upon a star, their dreams will come true. Essentially, reality will bend to their wills."

“Well, duh,” replies Millennial Jedidiah Frank. “It’s basic logic: sex is awesome. STDs suck. Condoms may help prevent STDs, but if you bring them into something great like sex, it's a turd in the punch bowl. It’s like you’re assuming there’s going to be a problem. And studies have shown that negative thinking makes negative outcomes way more likely. Trust.”

Reached for comment, Disney spokesbot T-1500 stated, “Believing in your dreams is a key component of the Disney brand."