Local university brokers historic corporate partnership

Just two weeks after The Onion reported that the majority of the planet's uncontaminated water is contained in Coca-Cola products, SD on the QT has learned that the beverage giant has been working with genetic research teams at UCSD to produce Wheat(™), a revolutionary, fully patented grain that can draw all its liquid and nutritional needs from Coca-Cola. The project, funded by a generous grant from Monsanto, will one day "make soil-based crops a thing of the past," says UCSD Professor of Futuretime Alphonse Moreau.

"As the planet's available supply of fertile earth and clean water grows smaller and smaller in the face of ever-increasing demand, humanity will need to rely more and more on the kind of technological innovation that industrial giants like Coke and Monsanto can afford to underwrite. UCSD is proud to be on the leading edge of this trend, and even prouder to be able to bring Wheat(™) to a hungry world. With any luck, in a few years, we'll be able to offer a gluten-free version!"