USD students rally to save Torquemada Chapel

TRAPPED INSIDE AN IRON MAIDEN, UNIVERSITY OF SAN DIEGO — Inspired by the UCSD student body's heroic defense of its Ché Café, USD students today staged a massive protest in an effort to stop the school from closing its famous (infamous) Torquemada Chapel. The ornate space, named for the Spanish Dominican priest who served as the first Grand Inquisitor for that country, has long served as a "sweet concert and party space" as well as a house of worship, thanks in no small part to the atmosphere provided by the medieval torture devices that clutter its interior.

"Like Ché," explains USD junior Tom Thumbscrew, "Tomas de Torquemada was a badass who understood that violence was sometimes necessary to achieve your end of purifying the nation. Our guy took out Jews and heretics, their guy took out capitalists and criminals. History can nitpick about the differences, but both men made the hard choices and lived with the consequences, and for that they deserve our respect. Plus, the chapel has been here since forever; it's part of this school's history. You don't try to erase that just because of whatever. Plus, Marilyn Manson is gonna play there on his upcoming tour, which is gonna be epic. Back the rack!"