(Love)Crafting a moist tomorrow

City Council turns to offspring of Elder Gods for drought relief

Author

By Walter Mencken

Publish Date

Nov. 3, 2014

The former Mission San Diego de Alcala, now known as San Dagon's Temple of Matrimonial Sacrifice and Transformation. Out of regard for humanity's pitiful sentimentality, many of the structure's original details were allowed to remain intact. Naturally, the cross was removed from the bell tower, which is now used to signal the approach of the insatiable Sea God. And the statue of Fra Junipero Serra, the mission's original founder, was replaced with an image of Shog-Dagon N'Yehareh, or Dagon-spawn. But otherwise, the Temple remains a proud symbol of the city, honoring its sunshiney past while looking forward to its bioluminescent future.

On November 1, Kevin Faulconer, mayor of the city formerly known as San Diego, approved the City Council's proposed mandatory water restrictions. Among these are such expected requirements as limiting lawn irrigation and watering fruit trees after 4 p.m.. But the severity of the region's nearly four-year drought, together with grim scientific forecasts of a possible 50-year superdrought, has also led the City Council to adopt more drastic measures.

These new "supernatural" initiatives were outlined recently by new City Communications Chief Ry'leh Grobbora Ng. "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," burbled Ng from his nether blowhole before enfolding a Voice of San Diego reporter in his suckered tentacles and shambling away from the podium.

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The Seal of the City of San Dagon.

Afterward, a naked and shackled human was permitted to translate from within the whitened ribcage of some undreamed leviathan. "Following the example of the happy citizens of Innsmouth, a prosperous city in Massachusetts, the City Council has entered into a long-term arrangement with certain ancient entities in an effort to secure San Diego's — sorry, San Dagon's — future. These entities have agreed to guarantee our watery prospects in a way that the city's previous namesake could not, despite considerable prayer and sacrifice on the part of its faithful citizens.

Looks like the new stadium is gonna happen no matter what.

"San Dagon, through his intimate and unholy connection to the primeval forces that shaped our world when it was still naught but watery darkness and nameless ooze, promises over 30 inches of rainfall annually to the greater San Diego region, in exchange for certain considerations. To wit: fifteen SDSU sorority babes per annum for interspecies breeding purposes, all the Catholics — immigrant or otherwise — he can eat, and the renaming of the San Diego Chargers as The San Dagon Old Ones. All of which we are more than happy to provide. So break out those sprinklers, San Diego! Dagon! San Dagon!"

Following his gaffe, the translator was promptly rent asunder and devoured by a slithering army of twisted black insanity.