Low voter turnout blamed on lingering Malaise Layer

"Mayor Faulconer is the face of the good-ol'-boy establishment," said Area Man as he cracked a fourth Dos Equis while sitting on his patio and watching his grass wither on Election Day. "District Attorney Dumanis is a bully. The Police Department put a pink four-year Band-Aid on a systemic infection. The water is running out, the U-T isn't even taking itself seriously anymore, the Padres refuse to return to brown uniforms on the grounds that they look like crap already, the rent is too damn high but the mortgage is even higher, you can't drink on the beach, and FX cancelled Terriers after just one season. Sure, the opera survived its bloodletting, but we'll see how that goes. And I'm supposed to care enough to get out and vote on whether the Board of Directors of the Coachella Valley Water District shall be elected by divisions? Meh."

More on this story as it…you know what? Never mind.