The Dzierzanowski Deviation

"In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women." — Tony Montana, Scarface

It's been called the Pacino Principle, after the actor who spoke the lines, or the Montana Maxim, after the character he portrayed. But no matter what its name, its veracity has never been questioned — until now. What had been an ironclad law of Bootynomics, something akin to "Good girls always go for bad boys," may have to be re-evaluated, all thanks to an undergraduate right here at San Diego State.

Readers may recall that back in March, SDSU student Luke Dzierzanowski ran for a student government seat for the College of Professional Studies and Fine Arts. Mr. Dzierzanowski, concerned about the previous year's low voter turnout (under 20%), sought to raise awareness through a campaign ad featuring himself and four young women. He never spoke, but the women in the video assured viewers that he would be getting their votes on election day. Alas, those four votes were not enough to secure victory, and his campaign ended in defeat. Worse, voter turnout was even lower than in the previous year. The only bright spot was a brief moment of Internet fame, as both lowbrow and lowerbrow websites picked up the local news coverage of the story and weighed in on its bikini-clad merits.

But according to SDSU Professor of Human-Female Relations Brad Jackson, the Internet missed the real significance of the one-minute ad. "What got lost in the furor over whether or not it was sexist and/or effective was this: Mr. Dzierzanowski, a man who seemed to be without money or power, already had the women. Consider: in the ad, the shoddy video quality, middling pool, ill-fitting suit, and ill-kept yard all attest to Mr. D's lack of funds. Heck, even his trampoline springs are rusty. And it's clear he has no power; otherwise, he wouldn't be seeking it by running for office. And yet, there he is, surrounded by lovely young women in skimpy bathing suits. Women who cater to his whims by jumping on a trampoline and giggling. Women who tend to his needs by lighting his cigar. Even women who bow before his magnificence before pressing against him and proclaiming their devotion for all the world to hear. From a theoretical standpoint, it's baffling. But more importantly, from the standpoint of applied science, it's a breakthrough. Throughout history, men with neither money nor power have longed to get women. Now, for the first time, we have reason to hope that one day, that dream may become a reality."

"Of course," notes Jackson, "this is only the beginning. It's a long way from mold to penicillin. The ad ran months ago, and though I've personally watched it over 5,000 times, I'm no closer to discovering Mr. Dzierzanowski's secret than I was at the outset. But I won't give up. I can't. This is too important."