If it Squeals Like A Pig…

LAMENTING A METAPHOR GONE BAD, EAST COUNTY — Two men are dead and a third is in police custody today following a shooting at the El Capitan reservoir. The victims were enjoying a day of recreation on the water. The alleged shooter, a retired schoolteacher from Alpine named Ed Jenkins, allegedly used a thirty-aught-six to allegedly kill Bart Barber, 40, of Santee, and Jim Crank, 34, of Lakeside. Jenkins had this to say as he was being trundled into a patrol car after a brief chase that is scheduled to air on the September 1 edition of COPS.

"I can't be blamed. I saw on the news where the government has authorized the shooting of wild hogs that are scrounging for food and wallowing in the water in East County. Anyone who has been to the El Capitan Reservoir and seen what I saw — dozens of obese fishermen casting off from their individual float tubes while they sipped from their beer hats and listened to the latest song by Truck Nutz on their iPhones — would make the same mistake I did. These porkers were wallowing, scrounging, the whole bit.

"But what finally convinced me to act was the news about the Department of Fish & Wildlife's plan to stop these things from reproducing so damn fast. Those two critters had five or six little piggies apiece running around on shore, squealing and screaming and generally causing destruction to the surrounding habitat. In retrospect, it might have been wise to trap 'em first and destroy them later, in keeping with the County's plan. But then again, those buggers are clever; they'll shoot off a text to their buddies, and before you know it, you're facing a whole herd of ill-tempered beasts, all of 'em armed and dangerous. No thank you. I've seen [the hunting-themed reality show] The Calling; I know what those animals can do. So, like Han Solo, I shot first."