Invasion of pigs!

Saw a piece in the the New York Times about a ferocious pig invasion/infestation into northern states, to wit: Michigan, New Hampshire, New York, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, and Pennsylvania. Sounds ominous. “The pigs — ill-tempered eating machines weighing 200 pounds or more — roam city streets, collide with cars, root up cemeteries... State officials are scrambling to deal with an invasion of roaming behemoths that rototill fields, dig up lawns, decimate wetlands, kill livestock, spread diseases like pseudo-rabies and, occasionally, attack humans.”

HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON? Marauding omnivores rooting up cemeteries, attacking humans! The article goes on to say that in 1990 less than two million wild pigs could be found in 20 states. Now, the number of wild pigs has risen to six million, and sightings have been made in 47 states.

Great Scott! They’re everywhere! We’re all GOING TO DIE!

But, hold on, take a breath, this is California. Sunshine and avocados blanket the land. Surely, we must be one of the three fortunate states without a savage hog infestation. I race to my computer and run a quick Google, “San Diego and Wild Pigs.”

Sigh. I don’t know how I missed this, but there was an exclusive NBC 7 report last October on wild pigs. This, from reporter Steven Luke, “It is believed that the pigs were first illegally released near Lakeside back in 2006, probably for hunting purposes. With astonishing reproductive abilities, the pig population is now exploding from the border to Palomar Mountain.”

OH, NOOOOOO!

Further research turns up a February 2012 report from San Diego’s 10News: “In Texas, some three million wild pigs have invaded the state, attacking pets and destroying suburban lawns and ranches alike. The wild pigs in Texas have caused about $400 million in damage every year.”

Some of you, no doubt, will think Texans and pigs are natural allies, although I think pigs would object to that. But, that’s not the point. Big picture: In the very near future, San Diego County, home to three million humans, will be attacked by three million rapacious, stampeding wild pigs gone mad from wanting to eat your intestines. It’s going to be a battle to the death, and frankly, I don’t like our odds.

In a situation like this, it’s always best to turn to the government for help, in this instance the United States Department of Agriculture, Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service.

I’m afraid it doesn’t get any better.

According to their laughably understated brochure, Feral/Wild Pigs: Potential Problems for Farmers and Hunters, “Wild pigs are susceptible to several serious swine diseases: swine brucellosis, pseudorabies, classical swine fever, and African swine fever.... Humans can get swine brucellosis through handling infected tissues of wild pigs.... Adult swine can be silent carriers of pseudorabies and will periodically shed the virus through the nose and mouth. Once infected, the pig is a lifetime carrier, and there is no effective treatment.... Pseudorabies infection in wild pigs has been found in at least 11 States.”

HOLY BUBONIC PLAGUE!

And then, finally, this: “Free-ranging populations of wild pigs [also called feral swine] exist in at least 39 States in this country...with the largest populations located in California, Florida, Hawaii, and Texas.”

DOOMED! We are doomed! Turns out California is one giant petri dish these sadistic killers use to spawn in. Thank goodness I live by the ocean. If pigs attack, I can find a beach, stand waist deep in the water, and dare those ravenous maneaters to come out and get me. On the other hand, I wonder if pigs swim?

HOLY DEATH BY SNOUT — yes, they do! BuzzFeed has 42 pictures of pigs swimming, and if that doesn’t terrify you, bucko, you are not born of woman. Okay, okay, calm down. How much time do I have before rabid swine attack?

THE END IS NEAR! I’ve found the Cleveland National Forest web page and am informed that, “Hunting of wild pigs is allowed on the Cleveland National Forest.” Wild pigs have been sighted in the Palomar and Descanso Ranger districts.

This is definitive proof. The Palomar Ranger District is headquartered in Ramona, 43 miles from downtown San Diego. According to Texas A&M AgriLife Extension, pigs can run up to 30 mph. That means tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands, ferocious intestine-eating pigs could be here, rototilling Petco Park, in less than 90 MINUTES!

Think that’s bad? Wild pigs have been sighted in the Descanso Ranger District, home-based in Alpine, less than 30 miles from downtown San Diego. A howling crush of criminal, cloven-hoofed devil pigs can MAKE THAT RUN IN 55 MINUTES! MILLIONS WILL DIE!