The Dgenius

In my last post, which is to say my first post, I yammered on about synchronous TV, when the sports stars align over the old satellite dish and deliver three, four doozies in one frenzied night of channel-changing. Last night, sports brahs, was just like that — thumb hovering over the “Previous Channel” button through game six of the NBA finals on ABC and the U.S. Men’s Soccer team vs. Honduras on ESPN and then, to wash it all down, game two of the Padres-Giants series on FSSN.

Hang on while I recap my night in unholy-orange wing-sauce color. (It’s on my T-shirt as I type, and I swear it’s in the image of Family Guy Peter Griffin.)

Remember I called the Spurs in six? Well, with about 30 seconds to go in game six, I was a frickin’ genius. Spurs had the Heat cold, but then a missed free throw (our friend Kawhi Leonard) and a LeBron bucket from downtown and, yeah, “the D is silent.”

Game seven is Thursday night on ABC at 6 p.m. I’m calling it — Spurs 99, Heat 97. Bosh will try to tip in a King James three-point attempt at the buzzer and end up doinking it off the rim. Ha ha, the universe will collectively think. And then we’ll hear LeBron berating Bosh all the way down the tunnel on live TV: “The mutha uckin rock was going in the mutha uckin hole, you prayin-mantis–lookin mutha ucker.” That’s what it’ll sound like on delay. And then coach Erik Spoelstra will be all, “Leave him alone. He can’t help it he has a tiny bug head.” Which will open a whole litany of insults about Spoelstra’s Frankenstein hair.

The U.S. Men’s team over on ESPN should have killed, buried, dug up, and re-killed Honduras about six times. I had a rout at 6-nil. With all its star players either injured or suspended, Honduras fielded its second- and some third-tier players. And they came damn close to scoring two. Finally netting a game-winner — Jozy Altidore again! — the USMNT was lucky to get out of Rio Tinto with those three points and stay ensconced on the top of their hexagonal. Okay to say they got CONCACAF by the cojones, but Honduras exposed our back line pretty blatantly. Someone wake up Omar and show him how to close space, wouldja.

(Speaking of the CONCACAF hex, I got no answer for our friends to the south. It smells as if El Tri thinks that entitlement — and cool hair — is going to get them to Brazil next year. Go-o-o-o-oles! Mexico. Only Go-o-o-o-oles! will get you to Brazil. El Tri has one win and three goals in six matches. ¡Aye yi yi!)

So there I was, pretty much rolling a donut sports-prognosticator-wise, when I flipped over to Mud and Dick and, holy crud, Jesus Guzman knocks a two-run dinger out of AT&T to go ahead of the Giants 4-3 in the eighth. Yum. I swallow that donut whole, and think, I really should get a donut maker. But wait, why is Dale Thayer’s Beard pouring pitch after pitch down the middle of the dish with that scant one-run lead. Maybe he’s never heard of Juan Perez. (It’s okay, Dale Thayer’s Beard, neither had I before last night.) Perez threw out Kotsay at home (looking at you, Glenn Hoffman) and then came on to drive in the go-ahead run and hand the game over to Sergio Romo’s Beard.

Listen, whatever. The Pads have won seven straight — sweeping division leaders Atlanta and Arizona — and are very definitely in the mix in the NL West. I really can’t wait to see what happens next with this team. Maybe Headley will find his lucky bat. Rumor is John Baker took it with him to Albuquerque and is working some kind of long con with it to get back into the bigs. Love ya, John, but that’s not how to go about your business. Please send Wonderboy home.

I’m reading Francona: The Red Sox Years right now and came across this anecdote from BoSox second baseman Dustin Pedroia. He’s talking about how Francona holds the distinction for having the fewest career two-strike walks of anyone ever. He had zero of them. Pedroia says, “How awesome is that? He had no fight in him. None! That’s unbelievable.” I bring it up because, honestly, that’s how I used to see Buddy Black’s Padres. But this team…they take counts deep, they get two-strike walks and hits, they score runs with two outs, and they win games late. That’s a team with fight. That’s a team worth watching.

Speaking of which, game three from San Francisco is on in about 15 minutes, so I’m going to wrap this one in foil and set it on the counter to cool until my editor gets home.

Just real quick with some upcoming San Diego sporting events you should definitely maybe probably consider:

Padres are playing a seven-game home stand against the Dodgers (four games) and Phils starting this Thursday.

On Friday, July 5, at Qualcomm, the U.S. Men’s National Team will play an international friendly against Guatemala. This is the USMNT’s last exhibition match before the CONCACAF Gold Cup, a biennial — that means every two years, sports brahs — tournament to determine a regional champ of the Americas and the Caribbean.

And on Saturday, July 6, at Petco Park, Tijuana’s champs, Xolos, will play Mexico City stars Club America. That’s going to be some boots-up soccer, San Diego.

Until next time, keep the clicker close and the beer fridge full.