Lane Kiffin's new job

Yes, he was born to be a San Diego Chargers head coach. And his time will come...soon.

For the moment, we have Norv Turner. Here’s a heart-stopping stat. Turner was hired in February 2007. Incredible, it seems like he’s been here since the 1980s, hanging around the food trough like a despised uncle at Thanksgiving dinner. But, no, only five years and change.

What will get him fired is not his performance — if that was the measure he would have been fired years ago. Instead, he remains in place and pads his stats: among head coaches with a losing record, Norv stands number 1, losing more games than any other losing NFL head coach. His career total, including postseason, 115-124-1. Impressive, but, apparently, not bad enough.

Maybe he’ll be fired because Sunday’s game was blacked out, which makes two this season. By the way, it is interesting to note that the two blacked-out games, Baltimore and Atlanta, were against Super Bowl–contending teams. The Chargers were able to sell out, with help, for the likes of Kansas City and Tennessee.

Some blame general manager A.J. Smith for not providing Norv with the right personnel. I’ve never bought that because of the way the team consistently, over a period of years, finds a way to lose. That’s coaching.

Watching the Chargers play football is like watching the same episode of Hoarders over and over and over again. To illustrate the point, allow me to present an Sbox exclusive — Guess what year this was written:

“You could fire the quarterback, Philip Rivers. The kid threw two interceptions and fumbled once against Kansas City. He completed just half his passes (21 of 42). You could call it a bad day except for the other bad days....

“Rivers has a quarterback rating of 76 after four games, which brings him home as the 22nd best quarterback in the NFL (Brady is #1, Garcia of Tampa Bay is #10, and D. Huard is #21. (Spot quiz! Which team does D. Huard play for?)....” Sbox November 29, 2012, or Sbox October 2, 2007?

“It’s still a Norv Turner team, make no mistake, but in spite of that the AFC West championship now lies in San Diego’s hands. Or Denver’s, depending on your point of view. If the Chargers beat Denver on Sunday, then a record of 8-8 is good enough for home field advantage in the first round of playoffs....” Sbox November 29, 2012, or Sbox December 22, 2008?

“The Chargers drafted [Drew Brees] in 2001, and he became starting quarterback the following year. Brees remained in San Diego through the 2005 season. The Saints offered him a six-year, $60 million contract with $10 million guaranteed. Chargers passed....

“At the time, New Orleans was the village idiot of the NFL. Being traded to New Orleans was like being shipped off to the Republic of Cameroon...

“Since then, since leaving San Diego for football obscurity, Brees has been selected to five Pro Bowls, named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year, and named Associated Press Male Athlete of the Year. When New Orleans won Super Bowl XLIV, Brees was crowned Super Bowl MVP....

“It’s futile to wonder what would have happened if Brees had stayed with the Chargers. Still, if I had to guess, I’d say Norv Turner would have sucked the life out of him until he became another reliable underachiever....” Sbox November 29, 2012, or Sbox January 9, 2012?

“Which one of the following three events is least likely to happen: (a) meeting Santa Claus, (b) winning the British Open by 20 strokes, (c) becoming head coach of the best team in the NFL after failing in that position all your life?...

“You can’t blame Norv Turner for taking the Chargers job — how many times is a head coach with a .415 winning percentage invited to captain the best team in the NFL? The answer is one, one time, Norv Turner’s time....

“There was a saying back in the 1980s, when computers started flooding into American corporations, IT managers came into being and began ordering thousands of computers at a time. The saying went, ‘Nobody ever got fired for buying an IBM computer.’ Didn’t matter if the computer was overpriced. Didn’t matter if it underperformed any number of clone computers, it was an IBM and that made you safe from criticism....

“That’s Norv. That’s why he was hired. Spanos and A.J. Smith did not hire him because he’s a great head coach or even because he’s a good head coach, which is infuriating. They hired him because he’s a safe choice.... Sbox November 29, 2012, or Sbox February 27, 2007?