All Tweet, No Action

In our busy-busy world, one must multitask. You can be homeless or you can work two jobs and live in debt for the rest of your life. That’s about the size of it. So, one pours a cup of morning coffee and drinks it in the shower. One spoons dry cereal into mouth cavity while dressing. One tramples out the front door for an early a.m. meet with In-N-Out Burger patrons. More often than not, the only way I can keep up with sportsworld’s unrelenting action is by checking tweets for up-to-the-second sports news.

It’s been an entire sleep cycle since I checked my twitter. I log in on my smartphone while at a stoplight and type, “san diego sports” in the search bar.

Tools of the trade, people. This is how big-time sports columnists get their story ideas. For instance, here is a tweet: “Increase Your Athletic Performance http://bit.ly/i9L9AG #wellness.” That tweet is from a Carmel Mountain chiropractor whose motto is “Integrated Wellness for Better Living.” That’s grade A, center-cut column fodder, people.

The idiot behind me is honking his horn. I look up to see the green light turn yellow. Not a problem, I’ve got my office work to do. Happily, I have a Foursquare app on my smartphone. As you must know by now, “With Foursquare you can unlock your phone and find happiness around the corner.” That’s the Foursquare way, people. Happy, happy, happy. You can track your friends and unfaithful lovers under the ruse of a social-networking app and the magic of GPS.

weausup12 checks in, says she’s at Phil’s BBQ. I tweet back, “don’t eat the tomatoes.”

Or23nk checks in, says he’s at the Sandbar Sports Grill. I tweet back, “i’m in my bathroom.”

nvertoofar says, “I checked in at Phil’s BBQ.” I tweet, “I’m digging a grave for my mother in the backyard.”

Now comes bka33kllk, “I checked in at Phil’s BBQ.” I tweet, “i’m at a stop light.”

SDbagboy goes a different direction. He’s at L&L Hawaiian Barbecue. I tweet, “everybody’s at phil’s. i’m going to be a big movie star.”

I’m at Gold’s Gym. I’m at Hickman Sports Complex. I’m at Arco AM/PM Carwash. I’m at Starbucks. I send a mass tweet, “j-o-b. does anyone have a job!!!!!!!”

Horns honk from all directions. I sigh, look up again, and see a yellow light turn red. Billx344rxk says, “San Diego Sports Cards — Collectibles — sales...” I return tweet, “i’m at a massage parlor.”

There are five tweets from geotubeinfo referring me to a SportsForce College Sports Recruiting Video. I learn that if I continue to the SportsForce website, I will have the opportunity to give SportsForce money in return for the many, many wonderful things SportsForce will do for me and my child athlete. I tweet, “my child is strange, he’s sick inside his head, he drools all the time, will not call me dad.”

CityFishingGear says, “Best fishing spots in San Diego, California,” a link takes me to a Yahoo article of the same name. I tweet, “i’m in prison.”

MartialArts_1 tweets, “We sell sports equipment and supplies.” I tweet, “dew u sell guns?”

Here’s Cory Monteith, known to us twitterites as frankensteen. Yes, I know, you have no idea who that entity is. I didn’t either until I Googled and learned he’s the guy who plays Finn, everybody’s boyfriend, on Glee. Aforementioned Glee puts on a summer roadshow. The cast performed at the Sports Arena Sunday. Frankensteen comments, “that was awesome! thanks for coming out. stay classy, San Diego!” I tweet, “r u writing this oar is uoar tweet somebody’s job oar is this just uoar own drivelpuddle?”

Ah, a new posting, “San Diego Laser Hair Removal: Spa that focuses on laser hair removal and San Diego hair removal.” I tweet, “give me money.”

I don’t know how people keep up with all their tweets, Facebook friends, or maintain a presence on MySpace, Yammer, Linkedln, Blogger, Plurk, Orkut, Flickr, Dailymotion, Shark, and Bebo, much less show up somewhere long enough to get a paycheck. How do they deal with all the interruptions? For instance, I’ve had to move from my spot in front of the stoplight — they call it driving — and can only tweet using my right hand.

Rsan66gan says, “good mornin san diego, what time is it out there.”