I've Invited Osama bin Laden to My Party

The AP headline reads, “Super Bowl a magnet for prostitutes.” Phoenix police sergeant Joel Tranter explains that Phoenix PD and FBI “are going to go undercover to stop prostitution.”

On one hand, early reports do indicate that the annual Super Bowl swarm of prostitutes making their migratory flight into the Valley of the Sun has slowed now that city and federal authorities have gone undercover. This is a good thing.

But, on the other hand, this laudatory police action raises a concern about fair labor practices. As you may know, there is a legal industry, already in place, devoted to providing beautiful young women to corporate parties, in this instance, Super Bowl parties. Comely young ladies attract men (we can agree on that), so it makes sense to hire young women to go to Super Bowl parties where the sexual ratio is 100 to 1, that is, 100 old, rich, white men for every 21-year-old hot woman. With the expenditure of a few expense-account dollars, that 100-to-1 ratio drops to a bearable 20 to 1.

Say you’re the executive in charge of the big Ford or Maxim or Playboy or Budweiser party. You’ve got all your big accounts in town for the Super Bowl, and you’re required to provide a party, keep them entertained. Your guests are mostly 60-year-old white men whose idea of a party is drinking vodka and watching television. What are you going to do?

Rent friends!

The Arizona Republic ran a story saying that upwards of 1000 local women will be paid $25 to $50 an hour for showing up at Super Bowl parties and dressing “classy.” Applicants have been signing on since last summer. I should mention that there are a few onerous rules, probably to remind all hands that it’s still a job. Follows are the five noble don’ts given to young hotties: Don’t get drunk, don’t eat, don’t carry a cell phone, don’t leave early, and don’t go home with a real guest.

Sounds businesslike, but let me point out that while these freeloading amateurs earn minimum wage, professional female friends, career people, guild members, are walking the mean streets of Phoenix, dodging undercover police dragnets and feeding the poor.

The rent-a-friend job destroyer is only one tentacle attached to the rent-a-party industry. Another is the rent-a-celebrity franchise.

Everything comes together during Super Bowl Week. Pouty mega-star P. Diddy is having a block party on Thursday. The handout reads, “$1,000 plus $76 Ticketmaster service charge gets you VIP access…. Celebrities scheduled to attend include (SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE): Michael Jordan, Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, LaDanian Tomlinson, Reggie Bush, Leeann Tweeden, Alyssa Milano, Brett Favre, Vanessa Minnillo, Jeff Gordon, Warren Sapp, Ken Griffey Jr., Jerry Rice, Charles Barkley, Tony Gonzalez, Carson Palmer, Phil Mickelson, Justin Timberlake, Alice Cooper, Joey Fatone, Chad Johnson, Drew Lachey, Terrell Owens, Aaron Boone, Tony Romo, Matt Leinart, Taye Diggs, Jim Edmonds, Wilmer Valderrama, Adam Dunn, Carmen Electra, Kyle Boller, Brooke Burke, Kirk Herbstreit, Brooke Burns, Casey Mears, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Juan Pablo Montoya, Lance Armstrong, Brian Vickers, Brian Urlacher, and Emmitt Smith.”

Can you feel the boredom? Of course you can, but since you’re already out on the town, why not stop by the 944 Magazine party. Paris Hilton is hosting. Yes, yes, you want to know, “What, exactly, will Paris do as hostess?”

Well, “…she is expected to spend a good amount of time in the village’s exclusive Main Tent, where the VIP and celeb crowd are likely to be found…she will, at some point, sign 25 copies of the magazine for pre-selected individuals. If you want to increase your chances of getting a glimpse of Paris, VIP tickets are going for $500, plus taxes and fees…”

Enough with these people! I have a better

way — namely, the Sporting Box Super Bowl Experience! Fun kicks off Saturday night, Super Bowl eve, in the El Cajon Home Depot parking lot. There will be a full bar if stocked and manned by guests. The best chefs from St Moritz, St Tropez, St Barts, Aspen, and the Hamptons have been invited to fly in and prepare a feast for attendees. Panasonic has been invited to supply 50 of their largest HD television sets. Madonna and the Rolling Stones have been invited to perform. And Santa Claus has been invited to hand out gift baskets.

Sporting Box Super Bowl Experience invited and potential guests include: the Dalai Lama, Tiger Woods, Celine Dion, Johnny Depp, Oprah, J.K. Rowling, Dr. Phil, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Bruce Springsteen, Virginia Department of Mines, Lassie, Warren Buffet, Kato Kaelin, and Osama bin Laden. Just $2500 at the gate.