Thousands of Jars of Mayonnaise

I was invited to a Cinco de Mayo party at the Wave House in Mission Beach. The producer of a radio show on Free FM 103.7 called and told me that I would be able to hang out in the VIP area with "the Triplets," who were broadcasting their talk-radio show live. Frosty, Heidi, and Frank -- the Triplets -- talk about human interest stories and weird news events of the day. It was overcast and cold when my friend and I arrived at 9:45 a.m. My friend spotted the 103.7 vans with Tom Leykis's face painted on the side. She said, "I've never wanted to key a car so bad in my life."

As they checked our IDs at the door, I asked where the VIP area was. The bouncer at the VIP area said I didn't have the right wristband on to enter. I had to go back to the main entrance and wait in line to get the proper wristband, but the doorman said my name wasn't on the list. However, I was able to talk my way into getting the wristband.

There were chips and salsa, rolled tacos, and enchiladas on the food table in the VIP tent. We grabbed the free chips and bought a couple of margaritas. We couldn't see the area the DJs would be broadcasting from, and my friend said, "This has to be the worst VIP area ever. We can't see anything, and we're paying for drinks." The tables and chairs were set up in a sandpit. I told my friend it reminded me of how Brian Wilson had a sandbox in his living room with a piano in the middle of it. She said, "Must've been a bitch to vacuum in that house."

There weren't any people in our area, so we decided to join the rest of the crowd around the DJs. When the Triplets started their show, everyone went wild. Frank, the most rebellious of the DJs, took a shot. When he was ready for another he said, "Here's to the French, for being pussies!" He then wiped his face saying, "Damn, I have tequila dripping down my chin."

One of the first stories they discussed was how drugs wouldn't be legalized in Mexico. As Frosty was reading that story, the wave machine was turned on, which created a lot of noise. We all looked toward the wave pool and Frosty said, "If you are on drugs now and look to your left, you'll see a huge wave."

They had four of the nation's top-ranked surfers riding the waves. Frank said, "Now I know where the bathroom is!"

It was a live broadcast of their show, and when commercials were airing, a mariachi band came out to entertain the crowd. My friend hummed along to one tune, and I said, "You must eat at Alberto's a lot." She replied, "No. I just know some of the songs."

Fans of the show were taking pictures and getting autographs of the Triplets. A few guys drove here from Phoenix to be at the event. One brought a shirt printed with one of the Triplets' catch phrases -- "Take that, Jesus!" Frank put one on and said, "We'll call him 'Hey-seuss' today."

Pinatas in the images of the radio hosts were brought out. Since everyone gives Frosty a hard time about his weight, his pinata was filled with pudding and cheese. Frank, who has a reputation as a ladies' man, had a pinata filled with condoms. Heidi's had candy bars, which she tossed to the crowd.

They talked about how their boss in L.A. didn't like it when they drank on the air. "He's in L.A.," they agreed, "so what can he do," and then they took a shot. Frank yelled, "Happy Cinco de Drinko."

They told a few jokes mocking Mexicans that seemed in poor taste, but the crowd -- 50 percent of which was Latino -- loved it. Frosty said, "I've never seen this many drunk people before 11:00 a.m." And he was right. Many in the crowd were hammered. One guy in a drunken stupor told me that he listens to the Triplets every day. Another guy was yelling obscenities to be funny, but it just made it difficult to hear the show.

Someone made a hat out of Miller Lite boxes, which Heidi put on her head. A few fans asked Heidi to make out with their girlfriends.

Prizes were awarded to people who put their heads in a box of beans and could grab a ping-pong ball with their mouth. Those who were able to do it received $50 gas cards. One woman complained about a bean going up her nose. Frosty commented, "Maybe this game would be more interesting if the beans were cooked, and it was hot and boiling." Before the next contestant went, Frosty said, "Watch out for the deadly scorpions we put in there."

My friend and I went back to the VIP tent for food, which was almost gone. We heard the crowd go nuts when Heidi showed off her long tongue. I asked someone what it looked like. "Just imagine if Gene Simmons were blonde." As I wrote that down, this heavyset Latino approached me and asked, "Do you want some notes about Cinco de Mayo? Those are my people, dude." He then started to tell me this long story about the Titanic being filled with thousands of jars of mayonnaise that was going to be shipped to Mexico. The story took ten minutes, before he said, "That's why it's Sinko de Mayo." He looked at me, surprised, I think, that his story didn't make the few of us standing nearby double over with laughter. He then said, "No, seriously man, here's the deal. It's not Independence Day; that was from Spain in September. It was fighting the French, in 1862, with Napoleon. But I don't think it was that Napoleon, but another." He talked for 15 minutes before I escaped to get a Coke.

When we tried to walk out, the bouncer wouldn't let me leave with a drink in my hand. I said, "It's just Coke." He said it didn't matter. We walked to another exit and left with the soda. As we passed by the bouncer who wouldn't let me leave, I said, "I should hold up my drink and taunt him." My friend said, "You don't want to get a bouncer mad."

"Why?" I replied, "What's he going to do, throw me in?"

Crash your party? Call 619-235-3000 x421 and leave an invitation for Josh Board.