Sports Showbiz Edition

Yes, it's time to catch up with our favorite sports heroes from yesterday. Go ahead, kick back on the big, brown living room sofa and while you're there, why not enjoy a glass of your favorite beverage!

I'll begin with Iron Mike Tyson, who, by the way, is only 39 years old. Tyson's been around so long, I thought he was 20 years older. No matter, he's still a player. The New York Post reports that while staying at the Metropole Hotel in Brighton, Republic of England, "Two nights in a row [Tyson] ushered hookers and strippers up to his second-floor suite."

The man is a beast. On the other hand, he might have been doing fieldwork for his new career. Life Style Extra tells us, "The pugilist, who reputedly has a 14-inch penis, said, 'I talked to a gentleman called Jimmy who's involved with Jenna Jameson. He said he was interested in getting me involved in the adult film industry.'"

Go, Mr. Penis.

Did you catch Monday's NCAA Championship game? I missed the mandatory headshot of John Wooden, the celebrated UCLA basketball coach. The guy is unique. Follows are a few of his stats: Led his Indiana high school team to a state championship in 1927. Led Purdue to the national championship in 1932 and was Player of the Year. Coached two years at Indiana State University (44-15), then hired on with UCLA in 1948. Won 10 national championships. Led the Bruins to four 30-0 seasons, won 19 PAC 10 (at that time PAC 8) championships, six-time NCAA College Basketball Coach of the Year, inducted into the Hall of Fame as a player and as a coach and blah, blah, blah...

Here's the one thing to remember about John: that dude is old enough to remember World War I. According to his bio, John learned basketball by making his own ball out of rags tightly stuffed into his mother's hosiery. He practiced shooting using a tomato basket hung on a barn wall. This is hard-core Americana. This is steamboats down by the levee. Wooden learned basketball 27 years after the game was invented. But (and I've saved the best for last) he's worked his way up the employment ladder and today he's an All American Talent and Celebrity Network speaker! Hear his inspirational lecture at your club for only $50,001 and above!

Associated Press, October 25, 2005. VANCOUVER, Wash. -- Tonya Harding tussled in her home with a man she described as her boyfriend, prompting an emergency call by the figure skater-turned-boxer and an arrest of the man.

Christopher Nolan was charged with assault and pleaded not guilty Monday. He told deputies Harding threw him down and bit his finger when he said she had too much to drink on Sunday.

Chris probably wasn't aware of Tonya "Bad Girl" Harding's ring record, which, according to boxrec.com, is 3 Wins, 3 Losses, and 1 No Contest. Harding is ranked 25th in the latest WBAN Computerized Rankings Women's Lightweight Division.

Her record does not reflect the unfortunate events of March 10, 2005. Tonya was game, ready to take on local transvestite Daisy D at Beach Bums, a Fort Lauderdale lounge of spotless reputation. Then, at the last minute, something came up. "We had a little problem with the Florida State Athletic Commission," said promoter Damon Feldman. State police arrived before the match and threatened to arrest anyone who climbed into the ring. Feldman declined to return his customers' money, saying, "It's not that I don't want to give it back, it's just there was no money made."

From the "Because You Wanted to Know" file: Increasingly crazy human disappointment Tom Cruise talked to a bunch of foreigners (Germans) on foreign TV (German TV) about his new love, Katie Holmes. Tom explained, "First the baby, then the film. Then, in summer, we want to get married. I won't let this woman get away."

Finally, from the "Nice Guys and Gals DO Finish First" file: Linda Tripp, the backstabbing "friend" of Monica Lewinsky who secretly taped 20 hours of her telephone conversations with the trusting child and then ratted out her buddy to the world -- "Monica gives blow jobs to the president" -- is doing well. And isn't that what we all want?

Following her betrayal, Linda turned over a new leaf and obtained an eye-lift, face-lift, nose job, chin job, neck liposuction, and a Yuki Sharoni hairdo. Linda returned to her old job as a public-affairs specialist at the Defense Manpower Center, saw her Maryland illegal wiretapping charges dropped, and accepted $595,000 from the United States government as settlement to her violation of privacy lawsuit.

Linda recently married her childhood sweetheart and opened a year-round Christmas store, The Christmas Sleigh, in Middleburg, Virginia. The newlyweds commute between Virginia and their home in Germany.