The Reader's Eye on Television

"Guinness, please," I mumble to the woman behind the bar while I shuffle a handful of bills around. I start to feel human again with the first few sips. An Olympic-caliber hangover sat in my mouth. "What would you like to do?" the question rested over my table until I realized it was directed at me. "Sorry. Say that again."

"What would you like to do?" I found the mouth that had spoken the words. She had chestnut hair and alabaster skin.

I feigned knowledge of our acquaintance. "Oh, whatever you'd like."

"Well, we said last night that we'd hang out here until we met the Spanish guys," her London accent seemed familiar. "Then we were going see Shaun Ryder DJ at that pub by the castle. But, that won't be until around 10 o'clock or so. Let's just watch Pop Idol until then. I still feel pretty bad from all the partying we did last night."

Who the hell is this woman? Oh ho ho. It came rushing back to me. The entire night clicked through my head, cut up, patchy, and vague. The pills. The wine. Running up and down the stairs of the hostel from room-to-room. TV lounge to bar. Lobby to patio.

A Scottish snow fell on us and we stood there in it with cigarettes. The smoke is hardly detectable in a blizzard. You can sit in a windowsill and look out over Edinburgh and the lights reflect in the glass of cabernet. You can tell each other your life stories and watch Coyote Ugly together, drinking still, until you just can't stand it anymore.

Six hours with someone, holding each other and taking pictures. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. And, the next day you wouldn't have remembered a thing if she hadn't walked right up to you in the bar and asked you what you wanted to do.

Tonight we'll go to a pub by a castle to watch a famous DJ. It'll be the same story. Endless walking, dancing, drinking, talking. And, tomorrow I won't remember a damn bit of it.

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, November 3

Human Cannonballs

DSC 12:00 p.m.

Freakin' sweet! I rarely make proclamations. I'm a relativist. But, I will state officially that I feel there should be way more programming about human cannonballs. That's my final word on the subject.

Geraldo at Large

KUSI 8:30 p.m.

Geraldo gets another show. You can't see it but I'm rolling my eyes so vehemently that I look like I'm in the first stages of a grand mal. Geraldo. With that mustache.

Friday, November 4

Striptease (1996)

MAX 8:00 p.m.

You'd think stripper movies would be more popular. There are a lot of movies with awful writing and terrible direction. People still see those. In a country where Zorro Two: Electric Boogaloo This Time It's Personal can thrive at the box office, Demi Moore's dirty bits are ignored. Go figure.

Saturday, November 5

The Last Warrior (2000)

WGN 11:00 a.m.

What? Dolph Lundgren leads earthquake survivors against a gang of convicts bent on ruling the world. Let me go look this up, that can't be right. No, that's right. That's the premise. That's not a joke. Dolph. Earthquake. Convicts. Just because of this movie's existence someone owes me an apology. The director, the writer, whoever sunk the millions required to make such a film. Someone. Get them on the horn.

The Hulk (2003)

USA 4:00 p.m.

Giant cartoon Hulk battles giant cartoon poodle. I'm not making that up. That's a scene in this movie. At no time during the production of this film did anyone stop and say, "Wait. A giant poodle? No. That's, uh, that's just stupid." American craftsmanship, quality, and know-how thrown out with a bag full of purple pants and giant poodle poop.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

NBC 9:00 p.m.

Between NBC and USA, Law & Order is being shown nine times today. Am I missing something? I've seen all of the different versions -- SVU, Criminal Intent, Original Recipe -- at least once. I wasn't so impressed that I would want to watch nine times in a day. Is this one of those things where I have to pretend to understand why this is so popular so people won't think I'm an idiot? Ugh. I hate those.

Sunday, November 6

Sex and the City

WGN 8:00 p.m.

I was recently talking with someone about how we had never seen a hooker in San Diego. And, not two days later I'm driving down El Cajon by 35th and see two bona fide streetwalkers. That's awesome! I love to see the lost kids, the nocturnals, and the outsiders. I feel connected to them. I've been out in the dark a lot. We're all the same. You know.

Late Edition With Wolf Blitzer

CNN 8:00 a.m.

Wolf Blitzer. Whenever I see Wolf Blitzer on TV I always yell, "Good evening! This is your senior war correspondent, Howitzer Blow-uppy-things!"

Monday, November 7

Hollywood Snappers

VH1 10:00 p.m.

Ugh. Someone is probably really proud of himself for this title. Some smug L.A. wiener sleeps better at night warmed by his own self-satisfaction.

Tuesday, November 8

An All-Star Salute to Patti LaBelle: Live From Atlantis

UPN 9:00 p.m.

How touching. Dig Patti LaBelle's old bones up. Prop her up in a theater seat. Blow the dust off of Boyz II Men, and let's all make a little money. We'll call it an all-star salute. Smile. Everyone! Smile. Jazz hands!