The size of Rosie O'Donnell's head

Matmail: Exactly how big is Rosie O'Donnell's head? Why do the hairstylists on her boring show give her an even bigger head with their “big hair" stylin'? If you have been stumped, I'd settle for a hat size— Omeye, the Net

Our legal division, Slip Fall and Sue’em (a professional corporation), is checking to see whether dissing Rosie is a felony or just a misdemeanor in California. Though this could be aggravated dissing — dumping on Rosie while sneering at her show. You could be looking at state time, my friend.

If you think Ro has big hair now, I guess you never saw Sleepless in Seattle or that Betty Rubble do. And it’s not so much that America’s Sweetheart has a big head, she’s got a big, square face. (Despite our best efforts, her hat size, like her weight, apparently must remain a topic of mystery and rumor.) Anyway, one reason God made hairdos is so we can compensate for our badly proportioned faces. According to Guy Guy, our staff makeover magician, if Ro was into glamour, she’d probably have a softer, layered do to hide some of that expanse of geometry. But our Rosie couldn’t care less about that. Clean and neat is about all she requires. Being Ro’s hairstylist is a skate. And anyway, the face-hair combo kind of matches her Chairman Mao wardrobe. If you think Rosie’s about hair, you’ve missed the point.