How much liquor your average citrus fruit absorbs

I’ve been bothered by the thought recently that the slice of lemon I put in my rum and Coke is soaking up too large a portion of my rum. The other night at a PB party I heard for the umpteenth time some friends discussing a large punch bowl and saying that the fruit was "so loaded with alcohol.” How much liquor does your average citrus fruit absorb? — Scott, @electriciti.com

No disrespect, my friend, but are you sure the loaded fruit was a lemon slice? See anybody leaping off the balcony using a sheet as a Superman cape? Nobody reeling around the party with his date’s bra on his head? I guess I have to take it like you call it, so we’ll assume they were talking about lemons. Anyway, gives the elves an excuse to locate the junior chemistry set and play around with glass and acids, strictly against Ma Alice’s house rules.

With the elves busy in the garage, I got down to some PB-type science. Hypothesis: Lemon slices absorb too much rum to suit Scott. Equipment: One big lemon, cut in quarters; one pint Bacardi rum (“Carta de Oro”); two-liter bottle Coca-Cola; tap water; four juice glasses; one scale. All at room temperature. Method: Weigh each lemon slice. Fill juice glasses with rum only, Coke only, half and half Coke and rum, and water. Deposit one lemon slice in each glass. Weigh slices periodically. If all this proves nothing, tell Scott that drinking isn’t good for him anyway and he should send all his leftover rum to me.

[Hours later]

The data are tabulated, we’ve drawn our conclusions, and the elves reek like a Puerto Rican cantina. We now know: 1. You have to wait a long time to see a change in any lemon slice. 2. If you sip some rum and Coke while you’re waiting, it helps time pass more quickly. 3. If you leave a lemon slice in rum, Coke, or rum and Coke for four hours, it will weigh less than it did originally. The lemon in water will be essentially unchanged. 4. If it takes you four hours to drink a rum and Coke, the question is irrelevant. If it takes you 20 minutes to drink a rum and Coke, ditto. 5. If you squeeze the lemon into the rum and Coke, then throw away the fruit, the question is irrelevant. 6. Under any circumstances, so’s the answer.