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Ersatz News Source: Chargers Use Psychic; Ostrich Breakout

Chargers Use Psychic (11/2/12)

The San Diego Chargers finally won a game at home on Thursday night, beating the Chiefs and improving their season win/loss record to 4-4. An assistant coach who asked for anonymity divulged the back-story on the team’s turnaround. Following a losing game last Sunday and another one week before their “bye”, their situation was heading downhill. After Sunday’s loss, a desperate Head Coach Norm Turner decided it was necessary to seek outside assistance. Turner requested the help of a psychic from his home town of Baton Rouge, Louisiana and brought the unnamed individual to San Diego. On the psychic’s advice, all of the team’s uniforms and equipment (helmets, pads, shoes, etc.) were gathered, blessed in a ceremony similar to an exorcism and burned on an east county ranch of a team member. Finally, the psychic directed the ashes be scattered on Qualcomm Stadium’s field at midnight prior to the Chief’s game. The Chargers won the game with a score of 31-13 wearing brand new uniforms and equipment.

Ostrich Breakout (11/2/12)

A large flock of almost 200 ostrich managed to escape from their San Diego Zoo enclosure, Friday morning, causing considerable hassle for zoo employees, police and commuters. The Zoo’s ostrich population is usually much smaller, but due to a successful breeding season this summer, the number rapidly swelled and the majority of animals were grown to full adult size of 5 feet tall and weighing 60-70 pounds. Caretakers believed transients living in the park caused a large enough breach in a fence allowing the birds to escape. At the height of the morning commute, dispatchers began receiving calls about “Ostrich running amok on 163”. Subsequently, vehicle traffic caused the flock to scatter in fear. It was mentioned that ostrich are capable of speeds of 30 mph. Delays in the area continued until almost 10 AM when the last bird was captured, with some found as far away as Interstate 8 at Friars Road. None of the escapees was reported injured or killed.

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Chargers Use Psychic (11/2/12)

The San Diego Chargers finally won a game at home on Thursday night, beating the Chiefs and improving their season win/loss record to 4-4. An assistant coach who asked for anonymity divulged the back-story on the team’s turnaround. Following a losing game last Sunday and another one week before their “bye”, their situation was heading downhill. After Sunday’s loss, a desperate Head Coach Norm Turner decided it was necessary to seek outside assistance. Turner requested the help of a psychic from his home town of Baton Rouge, Louisiana and brought the unnamed individual to San Diego. On the psychic’s advice, all of the team’s uniforms and equipment (helmets, pads, shoes, etc.) were gathered, blessed in a ceremony similar to an exorcism and burned on an east county ranch of a team member. Finally, the psychic directed the ashes be scattered on Qualcomm Stadium’s field at midnight prior to the Chief’s game. The Chargers won the game with a score of 31-13 wearing brand new uniforms and equipment.

Ostrich Breakout (11/2/12)

A large flock of almost 200 ostrich managed to escape from their San Diego Zoo enclosure, Friday morning, causing considerable hassle for zoo employees, police and commuters. The Zoo’s ostrich population is usually much smaller, but due to a successful breeding season this summer, the number rapidly swelled and the majority of animals were grown to full adult size of 5 feet tall and weighing 60-70 pounds. Caretakers believed transients living in the park caused a large enough breach in a fence allowing the birds to escape. At the height of the morning commute, dispatchers began receiving calls about “Ostrich running amok on 163”. Subsequently, vehicle traffic caused the flock to scatter in fear. It was mentioned that ostrich are capable of speeds of 30 mph. Delays in the area continued until almost 10 AM when the last bird was captured, with some found as far away as Interstate 8 at Friars Road. None of the escapees was reported injured or killed.

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