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Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters 3D

If Abe Lincoln can trounce vampires (and Spielberg’s heavy hand) what’s to stop Hollywood from transforming a best-loved, 3,000 word children’s fairy tale into an 88 minute gorefest?

Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton star as the fabled Teutonic twins. (He's 42, she's 27.) Their horrifying upbringing at the hands of a witch finds them snacking on candy-coated walls, not lead paint chips. Instead of waging war against diabetes, the pair mature and confront anything that flies on a broomstick.

It's more grim than Grimm; the stench of Comic-Con filled the theatre the moment the image hit the screen. D.W. Harper’s plotless script even comes equipped with its own built-in fan boy (Thomas Mann) who follows our heroes around with scrapbook in tow.

Will Ferrell produced which should account for the film’s adventitious comedic touches. (Pictures of missing children are slapped on milk bottles.)

H&G sat on the shelf for a year while the studios waited for Renner's star to rise. The best that can to be said of mannequin Arterton’s performance is the costumes fit and she can take a good punch.

Director Tommy Wirkola, who knew full well how to wrangle Nazi-zombies in Dead Snow, can’t muster more than the background atmospherics and practical effects needed to give the stupidity a stage on which to play out.

The only honest one in the cast is Famke Janssen. When asked why she took the role of the witch, the actress acknowledged that she had a mortgage to pay off.

And they lived bloodily ever after in 3D.

Reader Rating: Zero Stars

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If Abe Lincoln can trounce vampires (and Spielberg’s heavy hand) what’s to stop Hollywood from transforming a best-loved, 3,000 word children’s fairy tale into an 88 minute gorefest?

Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton star as the fabled Teutonic twins. (He's 42, she's 27.) Their horrifying upbringing at the hands of a witch finds them snacking on candy-coated walls, not lead paint chips. Instead of waging war against diabetes, the pair mature and confront anything that flies on a broomstick.

It's more grim than Grimm; the stench of Comic-Con filled the theatre the moment the image hit the screen. D.W. Harper’s plotless script even comes equipped with its own built-in fan boy (Thomas Mann) who follows our heroes around with scrapbook in tow.

Will Ferrell produced which should account for the film’s adventitious comedic touches. (Pictures of missing children are slapped on milk bottles.)

H&G sat on the shelf for a year while the studios waited for Renner's star to rise. The best that can to be said of mannequin Arterton’s performance is the costumes fit and she can take a good punch.

Director Tommy Wirkola, who knew full well how to wrangle Nazi-zombies in Dead Snow, can’t muster more than the background atmospherics and practical effects needed to give the stupidity a stage on which to play out.

The only honest one in the cast is Famke Janssen. When asked why she took the role of the witch, the actress acknowledged that she had a mortgage to pay off.

And they lived bloodily ever after in 3D.

Reader Rating: Zero Stars

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You know the time took: the drive, the ordering of popcorn (optional), the wait thru the trailers, and then to sit a couple hours (the standard...) thru some shit movie is waste on the soul. Every time I see a bad movie it leaves me lifeless for the rest of the day. Long ago when I was a child, I discovered Siskel & Ebert and longed to be a film critic; what did I know? I thought watching movies all day would be cool, but I didn't realize how much crap you had to sit through. At home I can pick and choose, and when nothings clicking watch Amish Mafia. I got it made.

Jan. 27, 2013

But then again I don't get free movie passes, and have the time like Matt and Scott to see so many films. You got it made!

Jan. 27, 2013

How can you say that? Did you not read the review? Do you not feel Scott's pain?

Jan. 28, 2013
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