Former Italian Prime Minister says he "likes his chances, especially considering the creep who's currently in office."

According to Google, "brancolare" is Italian for "grope." "I may have paid women - even underage women - for sex at my massive bunga-bunga sex parties, but everything was consensual and professional," said the former head of state, who is …

Particle renamed Filner-Higgs boson in honor of Mayor who led to sigma 5 level of certainty regarding the so-called god particle

Large Hadron Collider technician: "We weren't 100% sure the particle existed, but then it started calling for Mayor Filner to resign." http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/aug/14/51336/ "I do a fair amount to sustain the existence of the material universe," said the particle in a …

"Past mistakes? We don't give a hoot!"

"The Mayor said he's committed to changing," said The Tilted Kilt Brand Manager Minnie Scertt in a press release. "He apologized. He took a leave of absence and received counseling. He has promised to do better in the future, and …

Brand Manager Caesar Canz: "Women deserve respect, not slang."

More complete moniker "Breasts 'n Buttocks" rejected because of "possibly unsavory associations for a food-service establishment." http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/aug/14/51313/ "We are here to serve your food and beverages in a polite and friendly manner." "No doubt, some people were surprised when we …

Repentant Mayor pauses intensive counseling session to issue statement: "I'm a Democrat. I was only doing what Democrats have always done to Marilyn Monroe."

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/aug/02/50517/ "Where do you think I learned the Filner headlock?" Responding to charges from Marilyn Monroe impersonator Emily Gilbert that he grabbed her derriere, Mayor Filner said, "All my life, I have striven to emulate the ideals and character of …

Emergency SWAT team unable to respond to threat of hungry Tyrannosaur: "Under current Strong Mayor guidelines, we have to await the mayor's green light before taking action, and he just wasn't reachable during his counseling."

Distraught dad of digested daughter: "I certainly hope Mayor Filner's behavioral therapy sessions prove fruitful and he returns to work a changed man. Then maybe my child's brutal death in the jaws of a supposedly extinct species will have some …

Debauched monarch vows to return "a better man, a better ruler, and most importantly, a better lover. When I come back, I'll be so smooth that they won't even know they were harassed."

Pictured: Tibobius in his island retreat, preparing to receive instruction that will improve his game. Neil Strauss, noted author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists flown to Capri for intensive therapy sessions. "Everything with Tibobius's is …

Microphone failure clear indication of Divine Will

"Lord, let your public servant go in peace..."

Sentient symbiotic organism breaks silence, comes forward with story of "inappropriate touching" and "degrading comments."

"Of course, I realized that my testimony would likely be seen as suspect, given my close relationship with City Attorney [and Filner foe] Jan Goldsmith," said the hair-shaped organism at a closed City Council session today. "But now that I've …

Normally inanimate object comes forward with story of Mayoral misbehavior

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Attorney for woman bringing sexual harassment suit against Bob Filner comes forward with story of her own.

This is getting ridiculous. "As I made clear in my initial press conference," says Gloria Allred, attorney for Irene McCormack Jackson, Bob Filner's former communications director and the first woman to come forward with specific charges of sexual harassment on …

"I need help. I make terrible jokes all the time."

On July 14, the Reader's website published a transcribed account of a UT-TV Prime Time with Taylor Baldwin segment in which she recalled an encounter with Mayor Bob Filner: “He loves women. He made that apparent to me the moment …

Former Secretary of Homeland Security makes first statement since confirmation as new head of UC system

"Who knows which young person at a UC school might be working on the next PRISM right now? I sure don't - but I will!" http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/24/50019/ New UC Magistrix Napolitano DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE GEISEL BUNKER, ER, LIBRARY …

Did we say visit? Hell, they run the place!

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Papa Doug: "Hugh who?"

Local mogul indulges fondness for failing print media properties, also promises string of Playboy hotels nationwide. http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/24/50004/ "I showed up too late to bid for the Boston Globe," says Doug Manchester, smiling ruefully. "But that's only because I was up …

The Mayor San Diego deserves. A Mayor you can believe in. A Mayor who is not afraid to tell the truth, even if he has to make stuff up to do it.

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"You can watch Jersey Joe jerk it, or you can see something you actually wanna see."

Jersey Joe, owner of Jersey Joe's Pizza in the College area, was recently caught masturbating in the kitchen of his restaurant when 4Chan hacked into his unsecured camera feed. (For the record, Joe denies that it's him in the video.) …

"I'm all about using the Mayor's signature headlock to humiliate the opposition," says Storm, "but Filner was using it on his own team. That's cold."

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Outraged opponents mail over 3000 pairs of ladies' undergarments to Mayor in response to Irene McCormack Jackson's allegation that he suggested she work "without panties."

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"...which is probably why Bob Filner took a trip there!"

"I mean, we don't know, because the Mayor isn't talking about it. But we're talking about it. Oh yes, we are talking about it. And we'll keep talking about it until San Diego can get its government running again. Which …