San Diego: Land of the Lotus-Eaters?
Local Pharmaceutical Company Plans Release of Super Painkiller, Hopes to Ease Suffering Brought On By Collapse of American Economy "Zohydro - Because why would you want to feel what's coming?" "The [men] started at once, and went about among the …
Is Councilman Gloria Dropping Support for the Fight Against Prop 8?
Openly Gay Councilman's Recent Comments on Redevelopment Ruling May Indicate Shift in Political Philosophy "What about the will of the voters?" In 2008, California voters approved Proposition 8, which amended the the California State Constitution to prohibit same-sex marriage. But …
Dept. of Justice: Award to Family in Military Jet Crash Case Creates "Dangerous Precedent"
U.S. Government Ordered to Pay $17.8 Million in Damages After Jet Crashes into University City Home and Kills Inhabitants; Officials Worry that 'Now, the Family of Every Tom, Dick, and Harry Who Gets Tagged by an Errant Drone or a …
Minority Report: Manuel vs. Manny
Hispanic Teacher Runs Afoul of Gay-Rights Group Over Proposed Film Aimed at Keeping Kids Out of Prison No good deed? Manuel Arturo first noticed the problem when he lost five students over the course of a single semester from the …
Atheists Propose Alternative to Camp Pendleton Cross
Anti-Faith Group Claims Middle Finger Statue Would Express "Marines' Attitude Toward the Enemy, Toward Death, and Arguably, Toward Any Deity That Would Make a World Screwed Up Enough to Necessitate the Existence of the Marines." "A fitting salute, and a …
Music Time: Looking Ahead to 2012
Which San Diego Bands Will Get Big Enough to Leave San Diego Next Year? Stay tuned for our music blogger symposium, hosted by Jewel!* *No, not really.
Food Time: Chef Brian Malarkey Announces New Venture
Keeping with Fabric Theme, Santee Restaurant Will Be Dubbed 'Spandex,' Menu Set to Feature Deep Fried Everything "Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag was taken." SITE OF A FORMER KRISPY KREME, SANTEE - Local celebrity chef Brian Malarkey is a busy man. …
Manchester Buys San Diego CityBeat
Editor: the president of CityBeat's owner, Southland Publishing, has made the following request for changes with regard to this story: (1) Add the word "(satire)" to the headline as follows: "Manchester Buys San Diego CityBeat (satire)"(2) Please add the following …
Location, Location, Location
La Jolla's Super-Luxury "Razor House" Sells For One-Third its Asking Price, Local Wags Point to Unavoidable Views of Black's Beach as Possible Culprit "Awesome floor-to-ceiling windows, looking out on...ewww." View from The Razor, as depicted by Calvin Klein advertising: View …
Distasteful
Campbell's Chunky-Brand Soup Discontinues Planned Tagline Following Leak of Grisly Confession from Mexican Body-Disposal Expert "In hindsight, as soon as we found out that 'El Pozolero' translated as 'The Stewmaker,' we should have axed the idea." FEELING A BIT QUEASY …
"Groceries for Guns" Yields Bumper Crop for Local Gang
East Side National City Ojos Host Successful Gun Exchange, Distribute More Than 1,000 Firearms in Exchange for Food and Supermarket Gift Cards A PARKING LOT SOMEWHERE IN NATIONAL CITY THAT YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT - Kathy Livingston …
COMMUNISM ON THE RISE
Local Reds Employ Hammer and Sickle in Violent Effort to Redistribute Wealth by Robbing Sprint Store in Kearny Mesa Well, okay, it was a machete, but close enough. Is Occupy movement to blame? Do you even have to ask? Damn …
Arizona's "Sheriff Joe" Announces Retirement, Decision to Move to Escondido
Embattled Sheriff Looking Forward to "Peace and Quiet and the Company of Fellow American Citizens." "Finally, a place where justice is not subject to lawyerly meddling." Just one day after the United States Justice Department issued a scathing 22-page critique …
El Cajon Faces Voting Rights Lawsuit
Civil Rights Group Demands Living-Room Style Elections, Claims Poll-Based Voting Discriminates Against the Chronically Lazy and/or Chemically Impaired El Cajon Mayor Marc Louis: "You want change? Put down the meth pipe, get up off the couch, and vote, people. I …
Camp Pendleton Commander: Stop the Madness
Marine Expeditionary Force Leader Begs Obama to Stop Troop Pullout from Iraq, Citing "Grave Economic Risk" to America "Those boys have a job to do over there, a paying job. Here? Not so much." "Look, wars are expensive," says Major …
Manchester Gets Literal at the U-T
Newspaper's Website Runs Delightful Gallery of Nubile Young Ladies Associated with Local Professional Sports Franchise, Thereby Arousing Support for Same "I said that a local newspaper should be a cheerleader when it comes to promoting a new stadium. What part …
(Astro)turf War
East Coast-West Coast Rivalry Erupts on SDSU Campus Following Football Program's Decision to Sign with Big East Label, Basketball's Move to Big West Basketball Coach Sam Fischer: "Don't hate the players, hate the game. Also, maybe hate the way money …
SDG&E Gets Serious, Enshrouds Moon in Stygian Shadow
Terrifying Celestial Darkness Intended to Serve as Warning to Solar-Home Customers Protesting Rate Hike Statement from SDG&E Chief Officer of Retribution: "You have been faithless, San Diego, and your faithlessness is anathema to Our Powerful Selves. Too long have you …
Vocal San Diego Publisher Explains Layoff of Education Reporter
Layoffs were announced today at the nonprofitable news outlet Vocal San Diego. Included in the list of writers and photographers was Education Reporter Ellen Albert, long regarded as one of the sharpest sets of eyes on the volatile and shifting …
New U-T President Hodges: "We want everyone to be fired...up to come in here."
KNOCKING VERY HARD ON WOOD, SAN DIEGO READER OFFICES - Speaking to the entire terrified staff at the San Diego Whatta-Maroon today, new President and Grand Inquisitor Mickey Hedges said that he wanted to "create an environment and a space …
Chargers Blackout for Sunday's Game
In Preparation for Matchup Against Bills, Local Sports Bars to Offer Consciousness-Obliterating Special Cocktail Lineup - and at Cheaper Price than Unsold Chargers Ticket "Even if you could see it on TV - would you want to?" SETTING THEM UP …
Police Brutality?
In Response to Hunger Strikes Protesting Violent Police Response to Occupy San Diego, SDPD Begins Setting up "Bacon Stations" Around Civic Center Plaza "Pepper spray may not be a food product, but how about the smell of delicious, sizzling bacon?" …
Kelvin Acea: Fire Turner Now
Longtime Charger Reporter for the Spoonrun-Spittoon Says Victory Over Jacksonville Shows that Coach-Provocateur "No Longer Has the Heart for Truly Experimental Football." "When you start listening to the critics, it's time to go." TOP FLOOR OF THE HOLLOW SHELL THAT …
Sponsored Post: The Most Expensive Orgy in History
The Westgate Hotel is proud to invite the sophisticated and literate readers of Almost Factual News to celebrate the coming of the New Year in the manner of what Great Gatsby author F. Scott Fitzgerald called "the most expensive orgy …
Economic Indicator Report: Housing Starts Down, Tunnel Construction Up
According to figures released yesterday, San Diego's homebuilding market is continuing its nightmarish decline since the glory days of the mid-aughts: housing starts were down 47% in October from the same month in 2005. But as recent discoveries have indicated, …