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Stories by DJ Stevens

Life expectancy

Life expectancy

September 5, 2018
A generation of industrious professionals

A generation of industrious professionals

August 29, 2018
Hipster superpower

Dear Hipster: Would it be hipster to refer to “an hipster,” as opposed to “a hipster,” or would it be pretentious? — An Enquirer I think it’s only pretentious if you say “an hipster” when ...

August 22, 2018
The difference matters

Dear Hipster: You write often of the quirks and idiosyncrasies that differentiate hipsters from what I will call, for lack of a better word, the bourgeoisie. I want to hear about the inverse principle. Namely, ...

August 15, 2018
How to avoid hipsters

Dear Hipster: I’ve noticed the way this column often provides helpful (dare I say “invaluable”?) advice on how to distinguish various varieties of hipster from each other, on where to find hipsters, and on why ...

August 8, 2018
Where San Diego hipsterness begins

Dear Hipster: What is the most San Diego-specific hipster thing you could do? — Kyle On balance, our local hipsters are much the same as hipsters in any other urban locale worthy of an Eater ...

August 1, 2018
Don't try to predict the next big thing

Dear Hipster: Why do so many hipsters harbor ambitions as musicians? — Ernesto It’s actually the other way around, many musicians live hipster lives. The part of the human brain that makes music begins to ...

July 25, 2018
Seasoned with a hint of social conscience

Dear Hipster: I’ve been following your advice about eating all the food in the house in order to make space, but its not been so easy. Why do I have all these cans of sun ...

July 18, 2018
Brick & mortified

After an outpouring of creative ideas from the brightest minds among the Reader’s local fan base, I offer the following list of neologisms that might fill the gap in the English language where there really ...

July 11, 2018
A Hip Hopera

Dear Hipster: What kind of music is best for working out? — La Jolla Spin Class Junkie I wouldn’t know. We hipsters prefer to remain thin by smoking cigarettes and eating kale. Dear Hipster: I ...

July 3, 2018
Doomed to obsolescence

At the end of May, I put out a call for suggestions from readers for a word meaning “the pain you feel when you realize something you love about the world is doomed to obsolescence.” ...

June 27, 2018
Where have all the cowboys gone?

Dear Hipster: I was idly browsing Westworld reddits the other day, trying to figure out exactly what the heck has been going on the past couple weeks, and that got me thinking about cowboys. Real ...

June 20, 2018
Dads who like booze donuts and sausage cocktails

Dear Hipster: I’ve been having a kind of hipster crisis lately. I fear I am gradually becoming less and less cool. It seems like just yesterday I was tending bar, sleeping in, getting drunk at ...

June 13, 2018
Martinis and kidney shaped pools

Dear Hipster: Consider the following a sort of follow-up to your recent missive about weather and seasons. Which is the more hipster destination, the desert or the beach? — Dale J. Hmmm, both certainly have ...

June 6, 2018
Tech, you were my brother, and I loved you

Dear Hipster: What was your favorite hipster moment during the royal wedding? — Erin Not watching it. Dear Hipster: Did you hear Yanny or Laurel? — Derek I don’t get what all the fuss is ...

May 30, 2018
Why isn't there Amerivision?

Dear Hipster: I have no opinion on the chicken song, but I sort of wonder, why doesn’t the US have something like the Eurovision Song Contest? — Denny Beats the heck outta me. I would ...

May 23, 2018
And the winner is...

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek I guess this is it. Number one. The hipsterest thing of all. We began this journey by learning about some ...

May 16, 2018
Eat everything in your house

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek I’ve already plumbed the depths of my knowledge and summoned the three most hipster things ever. Based on completely objective, ...

May 9, 2018
The best minds of my generation destroyed by madness

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek As we enter the third part of my efforts at cataloguing the five hipsterest things of all time, I’ll briefly ...

May 2, 2018
George Plimpton: a life lived on a "wouldn't it be crazy if" basis

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek As promised, I now continue a painstaking countdown of the five most unequivocally hipster things that have ever happened. Last ...

April 25, 2018
Y'all best stick to beer and booze

Dear Hipster: Between discourses on the early days of the hipster-PBR relationship, paeans to the superiority of snooty craft beer, or nostalgic returns to traditional dad beers (e.g. Narragansett in the North East, Natty Boh ...

April 11, 2018
Hipster humor, explained

Dear Hipster: Please tell me a good hipster joke. What kind of jokes do hipsters generally like, anyways? — Chad Well, on the one hand, you have your “hipster jokes” such as, “How many hipsters ...

April 4, 2018
Rap puts hipsters in a bind

Dear Hipster: We hear so much about hipsters and the obscure indie rock bands they love, but I want to take that discussion in another direction. Specifically, a direction completely apart from twee indie music ...

March 28, 2018
Cirque du Hipster

Hipster: So, are there any notable hipster events held anywhere? Craft-beer festivals don’t count. Beard contests, obscure craft hobbies and art on display, booths with books of unheard-of authors, single-speed bike races? I think this ...

March 15, 2018
Wooing the ad-shy hipster

Dear Hipster: What is the deal with advertising to hipsters? I would think that hipsters would be immune from marketing ploys, if for no other reason than hipsters wouldn’t want to purchase something so mainstream ...

March 15, 2018
The good old days that never were

Dear Hipster: I have been thinking about the popularity of retro stuff recently, at least from a pop-culture standpoint. To me, it seems like people remember the past as distinctly better than it actually was. ...

March 7, 2018
A blunderbuss-load of errata

Nothing warms my heart in the dead of winter more than the random questions y’all propound upon me throughout the year. I refuse to believe you’re just messing with me. Instead, I think of this ...

February 28, 2018
The tortuous relationship between hipsters and stick-and-ball sports

Hey Mr. Hipster Dude! With the passing of another Super Bowl of Crap, do hipsters actually pay any attention to all the sports crap that’s going on? If they do, WHY? I usually ride my ...

February 21, 2018
Where it's always 1997

Dear Hipster: Why can I not divide by zero? I feel like there’s some Illuminati conspiracy to cover up the truth. — Z. Math has nothing to do with it. As anyone with an ounce ...

February 14, 2018
Talk of the occasional guava pastry leads to a physics lesson

Dear Hipster: Why is there never any parking near hipster coffee shops (especially ones that contain guava pastries)? — Janelle Khaleesi There’s a simple answer and a hard answer. I’ll give you the easy one ...

February 14, 2018
Get stabbed by a guy named Nekro Klown

Dear Hipster: Would you rather attend the Gathering of the Juggalos or the Thunder Nationals monster-truck competition? I don’t actually care, but I admit to some curiosity. — Deb Oh. Wow. Tough choice. On the ...

February 7, 2018
Withdrawing in disgust is not the same thing as apathy

Dear Hipmeister, In a recent answer to a question about increasing automobile size, you wrote, “It’s like a big middle finger to hipsters everywhere, which, naturally, people love.” That brought two questions to mind. One, ...

February 7, 2018
“MMMBop” was one heck of a song

Dear Hipster: Is it finally safe to admit that I really like the song “MMMBop,” or can people make fun of me for that? — Dave Can you believe it? Hanson’s Middle of Nowhere can ...

January 31, 2018
The bigger the car, the bigger the middle finger

Dear Hipster: Why did cars become enormous sometime during the past ten years? — Ann L. If you listen to the think pieces, the reasons are various: building larger cars lets manufacturers skip out on ...

January 31, 2018
That “Chinese Restaurant” episode of Seinfeld...

Dear Hipster: I was sitting around the other day with friends, commiserating over the injustice of being forced to wait till 2019 for the next Game of Thrones series, and I realized that a surprising ...

January 24, 2018
A reason to break from the corporate state

Dear Hipster: Why does the Valentine’s Day stuff come out the day after Christmas? — S. Commerce, bruh! Sometimes, I actually think we are headed toward a future straight out of a George Saunders story, ...

January 17, 2018
Is small-batch bread necessarily good?

Dear Hipster: Is “craft” beer more authentic than “artisan” bread? Am I better off with hand- or homemade? Is small batch better or worse than limited edition? I am lost in a sea of hipster ...

January 17, 2018
Wanting to eat the Tide Pod is perfectly natural

Dear Hipster: Will I die if I eat a Tide Pod? — Derek You will probably die, yes. I won’t blame you. Wanting to eat the Tide Pod, at least a little bit, is perfectly ...

January 17, 2018
Brits who mimic Americans

Dear Hipster: Why are British people better at talking like Americans than Americans are at talking like Brits? — Dick Yet more random, with two possible explanations. One reason is that maybe they just want ...

January 10, 2018
At least a Netflix binger branches out

Dear Hipster: In terms of addictive behaviors, is it worse to binge-watch a Netflix show that you don’t even like, or to re-watch old shows and movies that you do like, but that you’ve seen ...

Nap vs. sleep

Dear Hipster: When does a nap turn into a sleep? — Neil The randomness continues. The shifty line between nap and sleep is like the one that divides being a full-time, professional artist or musician ...

January 10, 2018
Wolves have a clear advantage over bears

Dear Hipster: I have been pondering animals of late. Specifically, I have had large, predatory mammals on my mind. Mostly, I have been thinking about bears and the many ways in which they are probably ...

January 10, 2018
Atari Flashback 8 — what's not to love?

Dear Hipster: What were the best and worst parts of 2017? What are we most looking forward to, from a hipster perspective, of course, in 2018? — Andrew Despite a rising trend in declaring every ...

January 3, 2018
Winter — the chance to grow a luxurious beard

Dear Hipster: What is the best place to be a hipster during the wintertime? Is it a Colorado resort? The desert? Alaska? Florida? Whatever the place — why? — Dana, City Heights Hipsters love certain ...

January 3, 2018
Cheesy-yet-earnest ’80s music became cool again

Dear Hipster: I was listening to 91X the other day and I heard “Everything Now,” by Arcade Fire, and I thought for a second there was some previously unreleased Duran Duran tune. In a way ...

December 27, 2017
Cringey and wincey go head to head

Dear Hipster: Why do people say “cringe-y” when they so clearly mean “wince-y”? One doesn’t cringe when one hears something awkward or embarrassing, one winces. One cringes when one is afraid. Am I missing something? ...

December 27, 2017
The Milky Bun from Orange County

Dear Hipster: Does hipster-ism extend to multiple cultures? Living in SoCal, one gets to appreciate, and even integrate with, people and neighborhoods with distinct cultural identities. Are there branches of hipsters among different cultural pockets, ...

December 20, 2017
There are bands other than Green Day and Blink 182

Dear Hipster: As far as comparative Christmas-ruining is concerned, what would be worse — accidentally telling your four-year-old cousins the truth about Santa Claus or forgetting to get your boy- or girlfriend a Christmas present? ...

December 13, 2017
Sure-fire way to stop rampant consumerism

Dear Hipster: Fair warning, this is not a question. I just want to share with you a holiday tradition, followed by my family, because I think it will appeal to your hipster values. It all ...

December 13, 2017
Slings, arrows, and naming names

Dear Hipster: Your list of great albums sucks. You suffer from a lack of taste. Go back to making jokes about mustaches and Cap’n Crunch. — Ethan Hipster: Nice work leaving out Paul’s Boutique, hipster. ...

December 6, 2017

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