Management promises to investigate “with all the skill and determination that the team has been showing on the field this season.”

NO, NOT REALLY:

What’s in a name? “Some people are calling it an act of vandalism that dishonors the memory of a champion,” says Padres General Manager B.J. Stellar. “But it’s important not to get caught up in outrage, because outrage tends to blur one’s judgment. For instance, it’s important to remember that Tony Gwynn never actually won a World Series, so ‘champion’ is a bit of an overstatement. ‘Regional champion,’ would be better, but that doesn’t deliver quite the same frisson, does it? As for the charge of dishonoring his memory, I’d be inclined to argue that the players on the field have done a better job of that over the past decade or so than any so-called ‘vandal.’”

“Maybe we’ve got our own version of the Curse of the Bambino,” says Manager Sandy Spleen. “The Red Sox traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees and then went 86 years without a title. We traded [Hall of Fame shortstop] Ozzie Smith to St. Louis in ’81. Of course, we’ve never won any titles, but it’s more than that: we keep trading away talent. Stellar’s 2015 frenzy was just a recent notable example, not really an aberration. So while I’m a little sad to see Charles Gwynn Senior’s name disappear from the pedestal, I have a hard time arguing with the tweaked sentiment expressed by the Swinging Friar. It’s gotten to the point where the coaches refer to me as Mama Bird — I get players ready to leave the nest, and then off they go.”

Grimace and bear it. “What really has folks baffled,” says San Diego Vandalism Detective Ray Spaint, “is exactly how they altered Gwynn’s face from the serene countenance of a great batter in mid-swing to the pained expression of a former titan hobbled by injury and worn down by disappointment. This isn’t some low-grade crank we’re dealing with here. This is a true disgruntled fan. Someone who knew what it took to get the job done and went out and acquired the tools and the talent to make it happen. Maybe they should give him a job in the front office — whoever he is.”