Dean Spanos comes clean about punking San Diego

Hey, San Diego. You know, we’ve been friends a long time. What has it been, 30 years? And it’s because we’re so close that I knew you’d be able to take the monster punking I just spent the last few years laying on you. That’s right, Sandy Eggans: I’ve been planning to keep the Chargers here all along!

Even by my normally high standards, this thing was pretty epic. We had to get Roger Goodell and the Owners Association on board, for Pete’s sake. Plus we needed extra help from Kroenke over at the Rams, and let me tell you, Silent Stan is not exactly a gag man. I guess having serious money just makes you serious. And every time we let [Chargers chief legal counsel Mark] Fabiani talk to the press, he was struggling to keep a straight face!

I’ll never forget when I announced that we had officially filed for relocation. I kept saying what a difficult decision it had been. But the only thing that was difficult was not busting out laughing! You were totally trying to keep it together, not knowing whether to cry or scream with rage, and I was just watching you and thinking how awesome it was going to be when I let you know it was all a prank.

You know, there were a few times when I thought you were onto me. I mean, Los Angeles? The city you so desperately love to hate? Wasn’t that just a little too perfect? And whoever heard of two teams sharing a stadium? What is this, kindergarten? But no, you just lamented each new revelation like it was further proof that God hated you. That’s the thing about self-loathing, I guess: when it comes to bad news, it makes you gullible and predictable.

Anyway, I think you’ll agree that it was a pretty awesome joke. We’ll be laughing about it for years to come. But now, let’s be serious: when are you gonna pony up and build me a proper stadium?

— Dean Spanos