Devon Harris
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PISSING RIGHT ON THE OLD THIRD RAIL WHILE SINGING "MAMMY," JUNIPERO SERRA HIGH SCHOOL: Devon Harris gained fame as a founding member of the Jamaican Bobsled Team that competed in the 1988 Winter Olympics. It marked the first time that a team from a so-called "tropical" country had entered the traditionally, um, "alpine" competition, and while the team did not officially finish due to a crash, their surprising performance inspired the film Cool Runnings, starring Doug E. Doug.

Now, Harris has joined the San Diego NAACP in calling for the removal of two varsity Serra High coaches who allegedly donned blackface and Jamaican Bobsledding Team uniforms for an off-campus Halloween event. A photo allegedly depicting the two coaches surfaced on Facebook last weekend.

"This act of gross cultural insensitivity simply cannot be excused," said Harris in a statement for the press. "The Jamaican Bobsled team was not some kind of cute novelty act put on for the amusement of the watching world. We were a serious group of excellent athletes, seeking new worlds to conquer. One of our members, Lascelles Brown, went on to win bronze with the Canadian team at the 2010 games. These two clowns from Serra are grossly overweight, and you miss none of it in that Spandex they've got stretched over their bellies. They probably couldn't fit in the sled, let alone manage the kind of high-speed start that became our hallmark. Their costumes make a mockery of a proud heritage, and they have no business representing a public high school."

In other news, Big Lumpy Ugly Bumpy Blacks Expect Respect (BLUBBER) spokesman Harold Bobicheaux called on Harris to apologize for his insensitive remarks. "Sizeist comments like Harris's only further stigmatize the generously proportioned. Fat-shaming may help to make him feel superior to those who have offended him, but frankly, it makes him sound like a whiny, skinny little bitch."

In other news, Bitches In The Classroom, Haters (BITCH) spokeswoman Elena Monstorian called on Bobicheaux to apologize for his insensitive remarks. "Mr. Harris does not deserve to be feminized for his beliefs - not that there is anything wrong with being feminine, and not that there is anything wrong with being a bitch when someone has been an aggro asshole."

In other news, Buttholes Understood Metaphorically (BUM) spokesman Sam Assman is reportedly preparing an explosive statement in reply to Monstorian's comment.

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