Where God Is Always Happy

Post Title: Too Outrageous for a Title

Post Date: June 5, 2012

My doctor of Oriental medicine tells me I need to breathe through my anus.

I am kind of surprised.

He tells me my Chi is stuck in my head and chest. He says I need to pull it down and out of my body. He says the way to do that is by breathing through my anus.

I’m silent.

My doctor and I work over the phone. I have put him in charge of my health and am finding I have taken on another full time job.

No more wine, coffee, tea, alcohol, gluten, grains, or dairy.

Only water and healthy meats and mainly above-ground organic vegetables while we straighten me out.

I have become a self-involved health-minded prissy girl who has lost twelve pounds.

I may look good but my personality feels like it’s snoozing somewhere. I’m boring.

Well…maybe not. Maybe breathing through my anus will make me even more interesting through this time period.

Actually, let’s call that attempting to breathe through my anus.

When I call my daughter and tell her I’ve been instructed to breathe through my anus, she says, “Well Mom, you already know how to breathe out through your anus. It’s called a fart. How hard can breathing in be?”

She has a point.

However, when I follow the doctor’s phone instructions, here is how it goes.

“Stand with legs apart, shoulder width,” he commands.

“Bend at the waist, hang your head down, and touch your fingers to the floor.

“Straighten your legs.

“Take deep breaths through your anus and feel the air moving up into your head and chest.

“Are your legs trembling?” my doctor asks.

“No, but my arms are trembling.”

“Ah. A certain sign that your Chi is trapped in your upper body. You need to get those legs trembling with Chi.”

“What happens is I get dizzy and fall face forwards toward the floor.”

“Ah! Much Chi in your head!”

Friends, I am doing my best but my best is not so good.

I don’t seem to be a natural with Anal Breathing.

I can do a lot of things. I have many talents. But, I’ve learned a simple truth that makes my life go much better than it might be going: I concentrate on the abilities that come naturally to me. I am smart enough to know not to put a lot of time into things I can’t naturally do well.

When people tell me I’m so talented, I’m so smart, I’m such a Renaissance Woman, and they marvel at all I produce and accomplish, I tell them my secret.

“Do huge amounts of what you’re good at while you do the not-so-good things as minor sidelines.”

Guess where I am putting Anal Breathing in my life?

We’re just going to have to find another way to move the Chi. Maybe I can paint it out or write it out or yell it out.

I email my doctor that I have failed at Anal Breathing. He emails me back.

“I’ll talk to you on Thursday. It’s radical, but I know what we need to do to move that Chi. Just don’t eat for four hours before I call. You’ll need an empty stomach.”

Oh my?

You will notice that I didn’t use the word “anus” as part of my post title. In past blogs, I used the words “bosom” and “bra” in two different titles. I am still being spammed! What would have happened to me if I had used the “A” word?

COMMENT via Facebook:

This is a yoga type thing he is trying to get you to do to help you balance. It boils down to all about the breathing. I don’t do yoga, but I have done some dance and karate. If you just point to the left with your right arm across your body and forcefully redirect the point to the right, you have moved your energy from left to right. You move your energy and the cosmos with your MoJos. All you have to do is to pull that same energy in through the top of your head and push it out your foot or as the good doctor suggests, “Blow it out your @&&.”