Carlos has learned from his online dating experience that if a woman claims to be 40, he needs to tack on an additional five years, at least.
“Women either post outdated photos or lie about their age by 10–15 years.”
Over Labor Day weekend, Carlos set up a Sunday-night dinner date in Little Italy with a good-looking woman whose profile he viewed on Match.com.
“Her photos looked great. That night, I saw an older lady making a beeline for me. She knew who I was because I actually look like myself in my pictures. Halfway through our date, she admitted that she was five years older than she’d listed on Match.com. I think it was more like ten. That was our last date.”
Carlos finds that, in order to make an online connection, he needs to be the one to initiate things. He is the first to send a message requesting a date.
“I look at profiles and send messages to women I think I want to get to know. I rarely, if ever, hear back from them. San Diego ladies have their pick of the litter. They have to weed through the men on these dating sites. The women here have guys pawing all over them. They have more choices.”
Carlos is frustrated over the amount of work it takes to find a woman online to date.
“My view of women has become jaded. Women on these sites say things like, ‘I want someone that makes me laugh.’ I can respect that, but I am not a comedian. I shouldn’t have to be. There are women on Match that say you have to make a minimum of $150,000-plus a year in order to even contact them. I can appreciate it, if that’s what they want, but if a man makes that much money, he doesn’t need to be on Match.com to get a date.”
A few months ago, Carlos noticed that Match was advertising an event called “The Stir.”
“Basically, it was a singles’ mixer. In the advertisement, they had good-looking people smiling and having a good time. It was at House of Blues in the Gaslamp.”
Carlos thought it sounded like fun.
He arrived early at House of Blues. The place was pumping. Loud music blared from the upper level. There appeared to be a nice mix of older and younger people. Carlos told the doorwoman he was there for the Match.com event. To his disappointment, he was led to a different gathering downstairs.
“It was in a hidden corner that looked like a dungeon. I walked in and looked around. The people were losers. I was wearing nice slacks and a nice shirt. These guys were wearing cheap tennis shoes and jeans. I thought, Hell, no, I’m not staying for this. There were only a couple of girls. I left. By that point, there was a big line of people trying to get into the event. I wouldn’t date any of them.”
Due to failed dates, Carlos has nearly given up hope of meeting a nice San Diego woman online.
“It’s like high school. All the women I like aren’t interested, and the ones interested in me I wouldn’t date. People are on Match for all different types of reasons. I have coworkers that have met their wives through online dating. I am doing it to find someone to have a serious relationship with, but I don’t know if that will happen.”
Margarita and Avi finish each other’s sentences. Sometimes they talk over each other. On occasion, Margarita shushes Avi with a wave of her hand. In their La Jolla apartment, they sit side-by-side on a microfiber sectional. We keep our voices down because Milana, their 22-month-old daughter, is sleeping.
“We met on JDate [a Jewish dating site],” Margarita tells me. “I signed up for a profile because I wanted a relationship with someone of the same faith.”
“JDate is a more serious dating site, compared to some of the others,” Avi adds. “It’s not a hook-up site like Match.”
“I’m trying to remember why I responded to Avi’s initial message,” Margarita says.
“Because I am amazing,” Avi laughs.
“It’s easier for girls,” Margarita says. “You can be a minimally attractive woman and get hundreds of messages from guys trying to date you. I got a lot of messages. I think I responded to Avi because he’s a really good writer. What he wrote was eloquent and funny. He wasn’t trying too hard or being too serious. It didn’t seem like he was just trying to get laid.”
Avi and Margarita agree that the profiles on dating sites are fairly generic. For the most part, everyone says the same thing. For instance: everyone likes to take walks on the beach, go on picnics, and drink a nice glass of wine.
Margarita says, “For me to click on a guy’s profile, something had to really stand out. Everyone had the same crap. It became borderline cheesy. I’m not going to lie: the first thing I looked at was their picture. As soon as you click on them, you get a stat sheet. It’s pretty awesome, assuming they’re telling the truth. You learn if they are college-educated, a smoker, like dogs, or if they want kids. It was easy to get rid of people based on their stats. It takes all the hard work out of dating. I could come home from work, sit on my couch, and read people’s stats.”
Avi went on a handful of dates through JDate prior to meeting Margarita.
“I went out with one girl who looked cute in her pics. She had a nice-looking bikini photo, but when I met her at a bar in PB, she ended up looking like a Chargers linebacker. Another woman invited me to the University Club, had me pay for our $100 meal, and later serenaded me on a grand piano. It was awkward.”
After emailing back-and-forth through JDate, Margarita and Avi decided to meet at Altitude in the Gaslamp on a Saturday night. Avi showed up at 9:30 with a group of friends. Margarita and some of her friends were to meet them at 10:00. Margarita called and canceled, and Avi spent a chunk of his night talking to her over the phone from the club.