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Jesus, David, how am I ever going to shower again? Is that what this is? Are you trying to tell me you have a thing for stink? I mean, the walls I can avoid; the curtain, sure; but the head? I can’t avoid that. What am I going to do now?”

“Germs are what your immune system thrives on,” David said, speaking faster to match my hysteria. “Like the flu shot, they —”

“That’s why I don’t get the flu shot,” I shrieked.

David cracked a smile. I’d been wrong. This was sadism. “You’re evil,” I said. He offered me a piece of cheese and did not seem surprised when I refused to take it. “Just for that, I’m going on a shower strike,” I warned. “You think that cheese is funky? Just wait.”

David laughed and called my bluff. “Go ahead...won’t bother me. If anything, you’ll be building up your immunity.”

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Robert Hagen Dec. 23, 2009 @ 2:53 p.m.

Ha, thats some funny neoroses going there. Delightful.

Its so nice to be fresh and clean.

The Arabs take it as an insult when you show them the sole of your shoe. Thats why the one reporter threw that shoe at Bush.

Speaking of eye make up, there are parasites that live on our eyelashes. Where I would be worried is if something happened to your lipstick, Diva. That would be cause for major concern. What exactly is going on with your extraordinary lips? They're like the eighth wonder of the world. But I digress.

Isn't cheese itself a product of some kind of decomposition? Isn't wine itself a product of some sort of decomposition, or fermentation?"

Both wine and cheese never go bad, they just keep, getting more flavorful.

I don't fear any germ, because I figure I'm totally immune. What I fear is food poisoning. One time I ate a piece of bad pork in a carnitas taco in TJ at about 9:00pm. I went to bed, and woke up around 1:00am, and my mouth was watering really bad, it was the weirdest thing. Then my eyes began to water, and I thought to myself

"I think I'm going to hurl', and darted for the toilet bowl.

When I got there, I projectile vomited. If you've heard of the phenomenon, let me assure you that descriptions of it are not in the least bit exaggerated, much like Diva's lips.

Anyway, what happens is your mouth opens wider than you ever thought possible, and your stomach spasms as hard as your body does when it sneezes (sneezes go 100 mile per hour, I've heard)

and everything comes out in literally one to one and a half seconds. Imagine a fire hose of water flowing through your mouth, replace the water with orange vomit, clip the image to about one second, and you're starting to get the picture. It was gross. There's also the time I ate the bad mushrooms and ended up in the emergency room, but thats another story.

Finally, I think that germs and bacteria float around, and have to agree with Diva on the thesis statement, whereas David clearly gets off the best lines in the piece.


Rocket_J_Squirrel Dec. 24, 2009 @ 6:10 p.m.

Barb is correct. 95% of the shoe soles tested at random had e coli on them in a recent study, i.e. the world is covered in poop. So if you wear your shoes into your home, you're also dragging in POOP! Leave those shoes outside your living area.


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