The Palin Analogies

Waiting for Sarah Palin’s appearance at the vice-presidential debates was like waiting for one of those predator crab things to latch onto my face and lay eggs in my mouth. Something horrible was on its way; I could tell by looking at the creature, but I wasn’t sure exactly what was going to happen. Then the whole egg-laying-in-my-mouth thing happened, and I thought, Yep. Shoulda seen that comin’.

Here is a list of things that disqualifies her from being vice president:

1. She’s dumb as a bag of lawn clippings.

That’s it. And isn’t that enough? I mean, really.

Before I go any further, I have to explain to you what a merkin is. A merkin is a wig for the pubic region. A British newspaper called the Guardian described the usefulness of a merkin as this: “Pubic lice were common, so some women, fed up with the constant itching, just shaved the lot off and then covered their modesty with a merkin.

“Prostitutes, too, were frequent wearers. In the days before penicillin, it didn’t take long to become infected with sexually transmitted diseases. They knew it was ‘no work, no pay’ and didn’t want to scare the customers off with their syphilitic pustules and gonorrheal warts. So the merkin was used as a prosthesis to cover up a litany of horrors.”

That’s what Sarah Palin is: pretty, oddly out of place, and a distraction from what’s going on behind her — let’s call it the meat and potatoes of the situation.

About five minutes before you have to barf, you know it’s comin’. It’s not the violent welling of broth and crumbs, but there’s an uneasiness in your body and you know it’s there. Even if it’s completely unexpected: you’re not drunk, you haven’t eaten any sun-ripened chicken salad, and you don’t seem to have any other ailments. But there’s the uncomfortable feeling that something terrible is going to happen, something involving your knees on linoleum and frightened tears on your cheeks.

That is also what Sarah Palin is.

So I was sitting there, waiting for the debates and worried that I was going to throw up predator eggs and a merkin.

Then the lady introduced Senator Biden and Governor Hot Lips, and all I could think was This episode of Cheers sucks. Sam and the brunette ought to just go for the big kiss and get it over with.

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, October 9
The View
ABC 10:00 a.m.
When I was young, I had a dog with either one too many or one too few chromosomes, and his tongue hung out of his head at an odd angle. He also bit his own ass, so we had to put him in one of those cones. And he chased the lawnmower, so we had to chain him up in the yard. Kind of like The View.

Kath and Kim
NBC 8:30 p.m.
The previews of Kath and Kim make me wish some critical Hollywood union would go on strike. But Selma Blair’s hot and she made out with Buffy the Vampire Slayer in that one movie, so I’m willing to overlook the terrible jokes. Oh, look, the mute button!

Bring It On: In It to Win It
Family 8:00 p.m.
What little of my hair that’s left is thin, oily, and stands on my head like alert meerkats. I’m shedding it in a pattern that up until now had only been seen in run-over opossums. My sink needs a barber more than I do. In every possible aspect, my hair is underperforming. And it could write, direct, and star in a better movie than this.

Friday, October 10
America’s Toughest Jobs
NBC 8:00 p.m.
In Australia, does this show swirl in the opposite direction?

Saturday, October 11
Paris Hilton’s My New BFF
MTV 8:00 p.m.
Imagine the amount of penicillin, Handi Wipes, and inside-out grocery bags required to fulfill this position. I’m sure at first it’d be fun to be the friend of a mega-rich, glamorous, drunken, socialite, but after a while I’d get tired of waking up and making a list that starts with: 1. Smear alcohol on that chair in the hall; 2. Burn that dress...

Sunday, October 12
Valentine
CW 8:00 p.m.
I’m waiting for CW to come up with something good. I’m starting to think this is like waiting for a pack of zebras to charge into my house and file my taxes.

Monday, October 13
Heroes
NBC 9:00 p.m.
An open letter to the producers and director of Heroes: Less of that dude with the huge eyebrow. More of the cheerleader, sweaty and out of breath. Get it together over there. Seriously, what are you thinking? Chop-chop! Thank you.
Sincerely,
Everyone

Tuesday, October 14
House
FOX 8:00 p.m.
Watching a couple hours of House is like eating a bowl of chips and seven-layer dip. It feels good at the time, but all that salt and refried beans are going to leave you bloated and gassy. The smart thing to do is limit your exposure to so much guacamole and medical melodrama. (Psst...you’ve put on a little bit of weight.)

Wednesday, October 15
Knight Rider
NBC 8:00 p.m.
When the hell did everything roll back to my high school days? I’d rather not relive the braces, acne, ill-fitting lederhosen, and that awful wig. I’ve worked hard, with several “analysts” to put all that behind me. (Oh, metal shop! Oh, the feel of Mr. Lindgren’s brushy mustache!) Now, can we please put back all the remakes of late-’80s and early-’90s TV shows? Thank you.

90210
CW 9:00 p.m.
SON OF A...!