MCQ #3:

“I logged onto this, not sure what I would even write about. And, I noticed for the last few days, the advertisement for the Oliver Stone movie W.” (“Daily Crasher,” “Blogs,” October 16). (Absolutely my favorite. Perfect evidence that verbal diarrhea does in fact exist.)

The only reason we had Mr. Board write about the party in the first place was to shed a little light on the people at ARTS doing great things for this community, and we were willing to put aside the fact that it would probably be poorly written. I am asking the editors of the Reader to allow someone to write a positive story about the Intense Individual Party and ARTS and to discontinue their promotion of Josh Board’s continuous drivel, because it tarnishes the reputation of an otherwise excellent publication.

I will leave you with some words of wisdom:

“Google’s free Gmail service is putting ‘Mail Goggles’ on their computers.

“It’s funny. We all know about ‘beer goggles.’ Well… this, too, involves beer. You see, if you’ve downed too much, and send your boss an email telling him his toupee looks like crap, or that you peed in the coffee pot…well, it could cost you your job. So, inebriated e-mailers would have to correctly answer five math questions before they can send an email.” — Josh Board (“Daily Crasher,” “Blogs,” October 15).

If you continue to allow Mr. Board to write your party column, will you please package a pair of “Crasher Goggles” with each Reader so that we might all be able to understand what the hell he is talking about?

Robert Lowth
via email

Josh Board replies: I get invited to many charity events (some charge $500 a person). I occasionally say that if I’m comped, I might attend.

My digital camera wasn’t working the night of the Intense Individual Party. When Lisa told me she’d provide photos the next day, I was thrilled. I didn’t receive them. The following day, I asked again. I was told I’d have them by noon. At noon, no photos. I was working on deadline, so I let her know that if I didn’t receive the photos that night, the story wouldn’t run.

I did have photos for the Thanksgiving in July party, but I mentioned that I wasn’t happy with them. She offered up their photos, and I thanked her and asked if she could give me the names of the people in them to provide captions.

Why Didn’t We Think Of That?

I’m an avid reader of your magazine and have been picking up issues for about a year now, mainly because it’s free. I guess that’s one reason I shouldn’t complain. However, does everything in it have to be sexually suggestive and all your ads pertain to mental-disorder trials, plastic surgery, or laser hair removal? Is that essential to keep your publication running?

Then there are the columns, Barbarella, for example. The picture she uses is a big turnoff, first of all. I get this trendy goth feeling. I guess it fits the mood of the magazine, but I think she should lose all the facial work, including makeup, and just have a nice picture of herself. I also think one of your pages should have a dedicated page to crossword, chess problem, comic strip, and a brief political write-up like on page five or six.

I realize you’re not a newspaper, but if you start thinking along those lines, your magazine may gain more popularity and you’ll gain bigger sponsors, and then you can ditch the garbage. Thanks.

via email

More from SDReader


MsGrant Nov. 5, 2008 @ 12:44 p.m.

BFD. Get over it, already. Your little party write-up wasn't to your specifications. Why the character assassination? Rico, your 15 minutes is up.


JulieParrots Nov. 5, 2008 @ 2:02 p.m.

Is that the "Conjunction junction, what's your function" character in the T-shirts photo above?


Barbarella Fokos Nov. 5, 2008 @ 4:09 p.m.

Um, no "facial work," only red lipstick. Guess I must be naturally gothy. ;)


Ollie Nov. 7, 2008 @ 2:10 p.m.

Oh no! I was funny once. I swear.


Fred Williams Nov. 7, 2008 @ 3:07 p.m.

But I start sentences with conjunctions.

And sometimes I see sentences begun with conjunctions in publications like the Economist.

Or maybe we're all just bad writers?

And I'd have to give back all that money I've earned over the years as a professional writer.

But that would suck...

Fred Williams


JulieParrots Nov. 8, 2008 @ 12:58 a.m.

I suppose we are all terrible writers at some point. But, readers still get the point even though some writers are consistently writing badly written writing. If that is the case then I would have to assume that those particular writers are at least consistant.


Josh Board Nov. 8, 2008 @ 1:39 a.m.

My damn girlfriend thinks Ollie is a funnier writer than I am! It irks me. I try to say "Baby, that cat can write about anything regarding those TV shows. I have to write ONLY what I witness at these parties, and I may not witness anything funny."

If she starts shouting out his name in bed, we're thru!


JulieParrots Nov. 8, 2008 @ 2:16 a.m.

Tsk,tsk,tsk...You should have crashed Golden Hall on election night. There was plenty to work with.


Fred Williams Nov. 8, 2008 @ 7:03 a.m.

When Josh arrived, his girlfriend was already nagging him. "Why aren't you as good a writer as Ollie? And Robert Lowth says you start sentences with conjunctions."

"Leave me alone. I just want to get some free drinks from the Republicans."

"Something's happening. What are those people doing?"

Where the world's ugliest water sculpture spills foamy chlorinated brine over what looks like prison walls into a septic pool, two groups of campaign supporters were shouting and waving signs.

"We want Richard Head!"

"We want Rection"

The two mobs moved closer, shouting their candidate's names."

"Dick Head! Dick Head! Dick Head!"

"Hugh G. Rection! Hugh G. Rection!"

A Head supporter swung first. In a moment fists were flying, blood was spurting from broken noses, and Josh Board was smacked upside the head by a sign-wielding granny.

"You little..." The old lady bolted. Josh followed.

"You, hold it right there or I'll shoot!" A steroid pumped police man held his .45 colt straight out, covering Josh.

"I'm innocent!"

Josh's hands shot up.

"This one's for Sarah Palin, you liberal!"

"No!" Josh slumped to the concrete.

The campaigners scattered. Police, security, and secret service agents converged on Josh, guns drawn.

"Watch it. I think he's a socialist."

"Stay down, scum bag!"

"We're members of the Police Officers Association, so we better not find out you voted!"

Josh tried to pull off his "I Voted" sticker, missing a large chunk of his upper arm.

"Stop moving!"

"Stop resisting!"

"I'll shoot again!"

Josh's girlfriend returned to the scene arm in arm with Ollie.

"Dude," said Ollie, "you only get arrested if the cops have a good reason. Hey, babe. Let's go back to my place and watch some T.V."

Josh was cuffed and carried to the back of a squad car, where he banged his head on the glass until he was finally subdued with pepper spray and Taser shocks.

As the cruiser pulled away, Obama supporters let out a mighty roar. Cars honked. The cops looked grim, seething in anticipation of the revenge beating they would give to the punk in custody, while Josh groaned in the back seat.

It took the the Reader almost two days to get Josh released, so the Golden Hall crasher story may be a little late.

But be sure, when it comes out, it will be a helluva story.

And Ollie, who never starts sentences with conjunctions, and Josh's former girlfriend, lived happily ever after.

The End


MsGrant Nov. 8, 2008 @ 8:27 a.m.

It's because Ollie was wearing the funnier "I Farted" sticker that was pooh-poohed by Josh as infantile fart humor....


JulieParrots Nov. 8, 2008 @ 1:24 p.m.

Beautiful! Post #10 is definitly creative. I give it a 10 out of 10. I just hope the advocates from Teaching Writer's Accepted Tagmemics Singly or (T.W.A.T.S.) Will not disect and come out with their RED inked correction pens scribbling away at your stories Fred. ;)


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