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Wednesday, January 16
Cashmere Mafia
ABC 10:00 p.m.

Lucy Liu is a media mogul and catfights with other snotty women about fashion? Really, I’d rather not. You know what, folks, pick up a book. Seriously. I’ll lend you one of mine. Please, shut it off one night; it won’t kill you. I swear.

Thursday, January 17
The Celebrity Apprentice
NBC 9:00 p.m.

When I worked in an office, I’d make dirty paper puppets and put on pornographic plays at my desk, complete with repairmen, shocked neighbors, and innocent paperboys. My manager would ask why I did such things, and I’d say, “It’s hard to stay entertained when you’re this drunk.” She thought I was kidding. “Oh, you,” she’d say. Then I’d swig more booze and get back to my dirty play. “Well, hello there. I’m selling subscriptions to the... Hey, what’s going on here, mister?”

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Barbarella Fokos Jan. 13, 2008 @ 12:41 p.m.

One night, perhaps next week, I would like to get hopped up on candy, bathe in glitter and champagne, and then party in your head til the break of dawn, Ollie.


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