Tuesday, November 20

E! News

E! Channel 11:00 p.m. If you ever come across an abandoned lifeguard tower, put your ear up to its door. Like listening to a conch shell to hear the ocean, you can hear Kim Kardashian's gigantic rear end call from the great beyond. "Step toward the light, Kim Kardashian's gigantic rear end. Step toward the light."

Thursday, November 22 (Thanks for nothing)

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

NBC 9:00 a.m. Last month, I entered a painting into an art show. The painting is entitled Dia de los Muertos Jackalopes . You can imagine. Now, shockingly, it did not sell. So I'm giving it to my friend Mel on Thanksgiving. Like the Indians gave the Pilgrims paintings of Dia de los Muertos Jackalopes . I'll be in traditional headdress and manning the craps table. Mel will have buckles on her hat and shoes.

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