Pee-tunias

Hi, Matt:

My friend has the unique habit on certain beer-drinking occasions and/or golfing events of urinating in public. He says the trees and the flowers, well...they "like it," that human urine is a "positive" plant-growth stimulus! What? Is this true, in any common sense, please?

-- P.R., Clairemont

So, taking a public leak on the 12th tee will green the place up, eh? Will also gross out the other golfers and give you the back nine all to yourselves, I'd guess. I've always appreciated what a classy crowd you Alicelanders are. Anyway, we're sworn to tell the truth, and the truth is, your friend is right. He's gross, but he's right. Human urine contains a lot of nitrogen, which is one of the most important nutrients for green plants. There are experiments going on even as we speak, using human waste as fertilizer. Sounds a little too much like that toilet-to-tap business for us to readily adopt. But tell Mr. I.P. Freely that some plants don't like being whizzed on, so he should be a little selective. The elves have stowed their clubs in the attic and are taking up volleyball for the summer.