The Reader's Eye on Television

This film is wholly implausible. In this first scene, the starlet's noisy neighbors disrupt her homework time by banging their headboard against the shared wall. Yet, in the next scene, she's walking downstairs and through a hall. Your neighbors are downstairs through a hall, but your bedrooms are right next door? Not likely. And who answers their door naked? No one, that's who. I'm all for suspension of disbelief to further along a plot, but that sort of thing just doesn't happen. I'm not even going to describe the absurd occurrence after you were invited in for tea. I'm 31 years old; I've been around the block. Hell, I've even been "around the block" in a couple public restrooms and once behind a dumpster. But I've never done the things you're doing with your neighbors, and you're, supposedly, a teenager. And where was the tea for which you were invited in? I only saw the matron of the house produce that big rubber-handled thing.

Bull. Bull to the whole situation. If you're a teenager, I'm Colonel Sanders. I know it's Hollywood's proclivity to stretch the truth a bit about the age of its actresses, but this is way out there on Ridiculous Street. Sure, plastic surgeons "enhance" younger and younger ladies every year, but that amount of silicone in an 18-year-old? Not unless you had the procedure(s) done in Thailand.

And where is the conflict of this plot? It had a beginning -- the girl's neighbors were making noise -- but instead of burying the seed of struggle, the writers opted for a very loving outcome to the situation. Is that how this whole movie will be? Everyone gets along, the whole time, until the very end? That'll never sell. This movie's screenwriters must never have heard the old guild saying, "Kill the best friend and take the hero's money away." This'll be a very boring story if she does what I think she's going to do with that pizza deliveryman.

Oh, well, that was a little bit of a twist, but I wouldn't consider it a major departure from the expected. I wouldn't have thought of using sunscreen in that manner, but I suppose the film does take place in Florida. Maybe they do things differently down there.

So this is the fate of Pay Per View television. A bachelor, such as myself, can't even scroll the channels and find a decent movie on a Friday night. And to think that I paid $3.95 for this.

Thursday, June 28 Weather: Day Planner Weather Channel 7:00 a.m. No one has ever radically changed his or her day because of a weather forecast. You'll never hear someone say, "I was going to go to work today, but it was 65 degrees and overcast so I called in, told them I couldn't make it. Then I went about renting a baboon and a Slip 'n Slide."

Pirate Master CBS 8:00 p.m. Congratulations to the CBS executive who took three seconds out of his diamond-studded lobster dinner to dream up this program. "Survivor on a boat. Done. I just made a million dollars. Marsha, have the writers come up with rules for the show, then oil up my narwhal leather pants. We're going to celebrate."

Friday, June 29 Wanted: Ted or Alive VS. 8:00 p.m. YEAH! The Nuge! Rock and Roll in the Rocky Mountains! Killing things! The Atrocious Theodocious! If you just can't get enough reality shows starring aging, conservative, outdoorsmen who were once rock and roll artists, have I got the thing for you. Strap your shotgun to your guitar and watch Uncle Teddy put a group of "city slickers" through their paces in a wilderness survival game. Or, if you're like me, you'd rather rig up some rope contraption to release the emergency brake on your vehicle and let it roll over your head. Slowly.

Saturday, June 30 Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me TNT 11:00 a.m. Here's a fair-warning open letter to every citizen. If you ever quote any part of an Austin Powers movie within my range of hearing, you're going to get punched in the beak. If I hear you say, "Get in my belly!" you're going to be kneed in the groin, and I'm going to bite your nose off. Here's the thing. You don't know what I look like or who I am, so if you feel you must do one of these tired jokes in a poor British accent then be prepared. I could be anywhere. You were warned.

The Haunted Mansion ABC 8:00 p.m. Eddie Murphy tries to vex the evil spirits that have taken residence in the crotch area of the red leather pants he wore in Delirious . "Out, sweaty demons! Purify this house! I cast thee, oily pubes of Satan, back to the pits of hell whence you came!"

Sunday, July 1 Concert for Diana, Princess of Wales VH1 8:00 a.m. A concert at 8 in the morning? P. Diddy and Tom Jones at Wembley Stadium this early in the a.m.? You could wake the dead with that sort of racket. (Get it? Wake the dead? I know. It's tasteless. Still.)

Monday, July 2 Making the Band 4 MTV 11:00 a.m. I don't like to brag, but I was a backup singer for Aretha Franklin on Respect . Yes, I was a "sock it to me/ sock it to me/ sock it to me" girl. All I've got left is a heroin addiction and a case of mouth herpes. The herpes was not so much Miss Franklin's fault, but it's a good capper to my sad story. Sort of a riches to rags thing.

Tuesday, July 3 Ace of Cakes Food 10:00 p.m. I want to know who invented the marshmallow and thought that was a good idea. Nasty! They're like a sugary earplug. Anybody who'd eat a marshmallow would eat badger crap off the end of a stick.

Wednesday, July 4 Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular NBC 9:00 p.m. WOO! National Get So Drunk You Wear Your Own Ass for a Hat Day! I can't wait. I've already bedazzled a set of adult diapers with red, white, and blue rhinestones, and I've hidden the keys to my truck from myself. I won't be able to find them until next Friday, easy. I am ready.

Thursday, July 5 Gray's Anatomy ABC 9:00 p.m. I was lead singer of a country band while I was in medical school. Our name was Bailin' Jennings, and our first single was "Second Hand Pots and Pans." It really has nothing to do with my training as a doctor, but, yes, I am an M.D. I'll prove it. Bend over.