Tonight on the News

Ron and I were eating a sugary scone and talking about our plans to pork up over the coming holidays. I had decidedly given up, and I planned to get a good amount of bloat going until the end of the year and then exercise it all off in January."Oh, they'll call it the goddamned 'battle of the bulge' on the news," Ron said.

"They never come up with anything original," I agreed.

" Tonight, " Ron did a newscaster impression, " we'll take a look at how San Diegans are fighting the battle of the bulge. "

"I'm going to eat a hunk of prime rib the diameter of a bus steering wheel," I said.

" Tonight, " Ron continued in his drippy announcer's voice, " on Channel 17 News at 10: Now that the holidays are over, San Diego shoppers are battling another long line. Their waistlines. " He pointed at my ever-expanding middle.

"All the things I never get to eat, I'm going to eat," I daydreamed. "I diet a good 11 and a half months out of a year. I'm going to eat all the sugar and salt and garbage that everyone else eats. And then I'm going to recline on my bulging rear end and swab the grease from my cheeks and hair with an old dirty shirt. I love the holidays."

" Tonight, " Ron kept up with the anchorman impersonation, " San Diegans are heading home after the holidays. But will they be able to fit through the door? We take a look at how folks are slimming down in January. "

"I'm not saying I'd kill one from the zoo, you know, because those are, like, San Diego treasures or something." I stopped and touched my chin. "But, I wonder what panda tastes like."

" Tonight, holiday shopping is dog eat dog, but we get one shopper's secret recipe for...panda, " Ron said, using that stupid news-anchor pause, " and how he plans on losing the battle of the bulge in January. "

"I don't even know what the Battle of the Bulge is," I said.

"It's that thing people do in January after eating all December," Ron said.

"No, it was a real battle. In World War II or something."

" Tonight, " Ron started with his deep news voice, " we talk to one World War II vet about his resolution to jog off...his panda belly. "

"You've had too much sugar. I'm eating the rest of this scone."

Thursday, December 27

Sesame Street

PBS 10:00 a.m.

Rainbow circles are those magical dots that appear on your computer screen after you sneeze. Sneeze fairies put them there and the rainbow circles grant you wishes. My wishes are always turned down, and the sneeze fairies say, "We told you about the swimming pool wish. You can't have it. It's just not sanitary for other swimmers." Oh, c'mon! It's a magical wish and you're worried about sanitation? Besides, that's what the chlorine is for.

The Office

NBC 9:00 p.m.

Since I work alone in my front room, I miss out on holiday office snacks. I don't get the surprise tray of snowman cookies. What I also miss out on are stringent sexual harassment guidelines. But, on the other hand, if I didn't want to get chased around and groped at the office Christmas party, I wouldn't have worn that naughty Mrs. Clause outfit. Tramp.

Friday, December 28

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

ABC 7:00 p.m.

See, this writers' strike thing, I'm torn on it. As a writer, I hope other writers make more money. That sounds great. But, to be honest, I wasn't super impressed with a lot of their work before all this strike business, and I will, RIGHT NOW, write TV shows for whatever salary they were making. My first TV show will be about erstwhile TV writers in soup kitchens and homeless shelters and about how I struck it rich. HA HA HA HA! Oh, crap! That sounds hilarious.

Saturday,

December 29

Mercenary for Justice

USA 11:00 a.m.

Adulthood is decidedly missing an important factor. In this time of war and suffering around the world, I am in constant need of one thing. A Big Wheel -- those tricycles with the big plastic wheels (no, really) and the one hand brake on the right side that would throw you into a terminal skid. Yes, kids in Afghanistan are starving and I don't have a Big Wheel. This injustice is insufferable!

Cox Presents the Nutcracker Ballet

CASD4 7:30 p.m.

I'm learning to speak French. The first word I've encountered is "burlesque," and from what I've gathered from my field studies, the word means, "Sort of chubby chicks who can't dance well." Keep learning, folks. It's the secret to staying young. £Olé!

Sunday, December 30

Life is Wild

CW 8:00 p.m.

Jawbreakers are the stupidest candy. However, they are also the longest lasting. It's cruel irony or something like irony or fate or something that a candy that lasts three months is by far the dumbest of them all. Cruel irony or something, I say! Cruel!

Monday, December 31

Sportscenter

ESPN 8:00 p.m.

Imagine how pants feel about bungee-jumping. Sure, they're probably exhilarated by the wild freefall, but they're probably also a little afraid. I mean, every jump is a potential soiling. Pee isn't funny. Well, not when you are pants, it's not.

Tuesday, December 32, 2007

The Biggest Losers: Couples

NBC 8:00 p.m.

Time to start dieting, suckers. I've devised my own weight-loss plan. Anything I can eat while lying on my back is okay. So, really, the only thing I'm giving up is soup. You can't pour soup from a bowl into your mouth or you'll end up with bits of ham and noodles in your eyebrows. Peas are going to be a challenge to keep out of my nostrils, but I think my consumption of ice cream bars is going to skyrocket. Man, I love this new diet!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008!

Gossip Girl

CW 9:00 p.m.

The writers from this show shouldn't push their luck. If their contract negotiator had any sense about him, he'd take the first offer. "Let's see here... Oh, this deal looks like a good one. The studio is willing to throw in another half packet of M&Ms and a pair of sunglasses from the lost-and-found box. I say we take it."

Thursday, January 3

San Diego Insider

CASD4 8:00 p.m.

Now is the big stretch until the next holiday: President's Day. But, it's worth it. Last President's Day, I was so wasted I chased Mayor Sanders down Broadway with a sharpened car key and a roll of Saran Wrap. I wore pigtails; he was in blue. Man, it seems like PCP was just made for the wild three-day celebration of when Abe Lincoln landed on Plymouth Rock with the pilgrims. Rest up, Sanders, you've got two months.