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Monday, June 12

Transformers Cybertron

TOON 6:00 a.m. I fully expect, through reincarnation or brute technology, that someday I will regain consciousness on a distant planet in the body of a Transformer. I'd prefer to come back as a Rolls Royce or Bentley, something regal and, when transformed become a tall egalitarian robot. Although, with karma what it is, I will probably be a bulldozer set to work in a quarry and, when transformed, I will probably sport something dumb like a hardhat.

Tuesday, June 13

MLB Baseball: Los Angeles Dodgers vs. San Diego Padres

CA4SD 7:00 p.m. Baseball has ruined steroids. What happened to the carefree fun of shooting testosterone into your own ass that we enjoyed as kids? Thanks a lot, Bonds, Canseco, and Maguire.

Wednesday, June 14

Dragon Boat Festival

HSN 4:00 p.m. I don't know what the hell the Home Shopping Network is doing selling "Dragon Boats" or, for that matter, I can't rightly say what a Dragon Boat is. But, I know who their first customer is going to be. Damn, I want a Dragon Boat so bad I could pee!

Thursday, June 15

The O'Reilly Factor

FNC 8:00 p.m. Before rising to power as chancellor of the United States, I will have a reputation among the revolutionaries as a man who rose through the ranks, from the lowest freed man boot soldier to commander of a renegade battalion bent on releasing as many slaves as possible. During one battle, a load of dynamite will be shot from my shoulder where I'm carrying it, and I'll be blown clear with only slight damage to my hearing. This legend will precede me, even as I'm inducted into the Black Rebel Corps of Supreme Court Justices.

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