The Reader's Eye on Television

Author

By Ollie

Publish Date

July 28, 2005

In an effort to get the key to the Subway across the street, Kip, my roommate, has come up with a clever plan. Since I'm super-famous, we figure it's only a matter of time before Jared wants to shoot a commercial with me. While the cameras are rolling I'll smile, speak in a calm TV voice, and put my arm on Jared's shoulder. But when the cameras are off our plan swings into action. After taping we invite Jared up to our apartment for bourbon and soda. When he's good and looped we'll tie him to a chair. I'll hold him and Kip will make with the duct tape. Without his sandwich fix, Jared will soon go pale, clammy, and his hands will twitch. His addiction to subs will be his undoing.

We'll start with an interrogation. "Where's the key, Jared? Don't play dumb. We know you have a golden key that opens every Subway."

He'll most likely pretend that the golden key doesn't exist. I'll pretend that I don't know where it is. It's on a necklace under his shirt. Getting the key would be simple if I were just a common chain-snatcher. That's not the point. The point is for Jared to give it to me. He has to want me to have it.

When every cell in his body is crying out for his precious junk he'll finally break. He'll tell me to take the key from around his neck as long as I promise to make him a sandwich. I imagine he'll be heaped up next to the door when Kip and I finally let ourselves in.

You'd think I'd want to keep Jared weak and unhealthy but I don't. I'll nurse him back to health with hearty provolone cheese, extra olives, and the antioxidants in bell peppers. When he's back to his old self I'll grab him by his collar, crush his knee with a savage kick, and throw him into my sleeper hold. He'll want mercy. His hands will tap my arms, he'll go loose against the cold tile and I'll be yelling into his ear. "I hate you, Jared Fogle! I hate you! The golden key is mine! Do you understand? I hate you, Jared!"

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, July 28

10 News Midday

ABC 11:00 a.m.

When I was in the Navy, believe it or not, I was known as "The Voice of Reason." A typical exchange that landed me this moniker would be: "Let's go to Mexico to get meth. It's only 4 a.m. now, it'll be 5 by the time we get back and we can have a drink at the Silver Fox by 6."