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Monday, January 31 When Surgical Tools Get Left Behind

DHC 73, 6:00 p.m.

Nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven. And nothing spells out terror quite like "surgical tools left behind." Why don't medical professionals just get it over with? You're a young doctor, just embrace your "lifestyle" and come into work dressed up in a bloody clown suit. Leave some retractors or hemostats in the intestines of a patient, and then you can go make some artwork using fingernail clippings and elbow macaroni. You keep away from me, you creepy fuckers.

UFO Files

HIST, 8:00 p.m.

I can't stop watching UFO Files. I watch to gather data on an untapped market. These people not only believe anything, they wholeheartedly defend their crackpot ideas against anything factual. I'm going to show up to a UFO convention with a bag of magical assholes and start the bidding at $10,000.

Thursday, February 3 Bring It On Again (2004)

USA 2, 9:00 p.m.

This shows how impotent my rantings are. One week I rail against those who clutter the airwaves with Bring It On. And the next week they put on Bring It On Again. As if they read this column and said, "Oh, yeah? Stick this in your pipe and smoke it, you little curmudgeon." Swell.

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