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Monday, February 14 Supernanny

ABC 10, 10:00 p.m.

Last weekend my roommate attended a baby shower. As a treat, she made chocolate-covered strawberries. When she wasn't looking, I swiped two. While she was at the party, I spent the afternoon jumping up and down on the furniture and sing-screaming "The Road Goes on Forever." My scalp tingled and I couldn't concentrate. I now know what happened to my grades when I was nine and why we had to hire three different babysitters: that was the year my father relented to my pleas and introduced sugar cereal into our household.

Tuesday, February 15 American Idol

FOX 6, 8:00 p.m.

It's unfortunate that the winner of this becomes a star. It would be way sweeter if people just lined up to sing and got verbally abused with no winner. Actually, it'd be better if Paula Abdul was replaced by Lord Humungus from Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior and Simon was thrown out in favor of Blaze from American Gladiators.

Wednesday, February 16 The Simple Life: Interns

FOX 6, 8:30 p.m.

I chew tobacco. Which means occasionally I have to empty my mouth of a thick brown discharge. I don't like to spit into toilets because I imagine the germs swimming straight up the stream. I get the same feeling with this show.

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